4.5 Years Left.

I want to be married by 30, and that leaves me less than 4.5 years. I just realized I am entering the 8th month of my 25-year-old. I do feel different now. I do feel old and tired. I crave simplicity so much and it's depressing me.

Cato got sick over the weekend so this morning I made him ginger tea from scratch and brought it to the office for him. For dinner because he had a lot of work to do I just bought some food from the Whole Foods buffet and prepared the dinner very quickly. When he saw the dinner he was surprised by the way I'm taking care of him and he thought I was like his mom. This reminded me of how I used to cook for Ivan and take care of him; I often prepared lunchboxes for him and even his colleagues loved the food. After dinner we made out for a while before he went home. I made him another cup of ginger tea for him to take home.

I am crying and hurting as I write this. Maybe it is my insecurity, or maybe it's something else. Why is there no love in the world? What is love? What should I believe in? Everything I'm doing for Cato comes from my belief in love. Way before we hooked up, we had multiple lengthy conversations on what love is, and he said he believed I still have that ideal for love somewhere in my mind, which was one of the reasons why I decided to be romantic with him. Is he going to remove that ideal from me like everyone else did? At some point when we were making out, I kind of lost my interest; when we were looking into each other's eyes, I was hoping he would ask me to be his girlfriend but he didn't. All of a sudden I was back to the confusion of who I was to him. I am so sick of being just a hookup, a fling, as always.

I remember the day when Ivan asked me to be his girlfriend; I was back home for Christmas so he asked me via email. I was so happy and excited that day but when I replied I used a tone of indifference because the love game theory says so. I was happy for the rest of the holiday season.

I think what I had for Ivan was real love. I put him before my family, my career, my time, everything. We were in a long distance relationship for about 5 months. During those 5 months I met some attractive guys when I went out or clubbing but I never got interested at all because I believed what Ivan gave me was true love as well and no one else in the world could give me any equivalents. He was the only reason why I'd try to rescue my career and move close to him; I did not end my life because he was the only meaning in my life that made my life worth living. But it turned out he never loved me; he was always thinking about someone else and would never sacrifice anything for me.

If we all have to specify what we're looking for at the very beginning, then it's nothing different from filling out the lengthy survey when signing up for eHarmony. If a relationship is based on all these prerequisites, then what is love? Is there love at all in this kind of relationship?

The reason why I keep making the same mistake is because I am still hopelessly romantic. I believe in chemistry. I believe love should take place without all those prerequisites; that's why I kiss first, and make out too, but never sex. For every guy I made out with, I actually pictured a future with them. I wouldn't become sexual with someone if I don't see a future of getting along with that person. Unfortunately chemistry is still so far away from a serious relationship, even farther away from love. It seems like everyone, be it man or woman, only wants the sex, and nothing else. I need to stop believing don't I?

As I finish this entry the pain has filled my entire chest. It is still so painful to recall what I used to believe in and how I used to love and how none of those was real. I just don't have the ability to hurt anyone but myself.

"Let me feel one more time what it feels like to feel and break these calluses off of me one more time, 'cause I am hanging on every word you say and even if you don't want to speak tonight, that's alright, alright with me. 'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside your door and listen to you breathing is where I want to be ."