Chalte Khan.

I just watched the movie My Name Is Khan tonight. The leading actor Shah Rukh Khan appeared very familiar to me. Then I recalled him starring in the movie Chalte Chalte, which I saw with Ivan 3 years ago.

Last night I felt like crying before sleep. I was reading some blogs about relationships and love, but they only make me realize how difficult those things are. I think Cato and I have a good thing going, but he never initiates to message me or call me; like now he's traveling overseas he still doesn't initiate the message even if we're both online. Today I initiated it again.The conversation was fun and sweet, as always. Nevertheless I still have doubts every time he doesn't take the initiative. Sometimes the insecurity is so scary that makes me want to cry, like last night.

Last night in addition to the insecurity I was also thinking about how hard it is to "achieve" those three words. Although I've been with so many men, and actually loved three of them, I've only said those three words to Ivan, and I said it rather quickly, through a text message though. I recalled the instant when I said it, I felt courage and lots of happiness.Until hours later I realized Ivan wasn't ready to reciprocate, I cried. I wish life could go back to that simplicity, the young age of 22, when I could say such things without worrying about the consequence and somehow with 100% confidence he felt the same way about me. Now I just can't. Not just because I'm afraid to scare him off, also because I don't know what love is and I believe what I had with Ivan wasn't love either. Life now is merely a union of numbness, confusion, and fear.

Yes, this American Bollywood movie did make me cry tonight. It feels good to be able to cry again after months. Isn't it ironic that things that actually move people are non-existent in real life? Is there something wrong with the humanity, the society, or just me?