Difficult.

Cato finally came back from his trip and I made him delicious dinner last night. He got me a cute little doll and walked me through more than 1,000 pictures he took with his new SLR. Obviously after all these there was lots of passionate make-out taking place. Then he fell sound asleep and I got up, put some clothes on and did the dishes quietly.

After completing my daily facial care and ready for bed at around 2 a.m., somehow he woke up. This time we almost went all the way but I resisted again. It is something I've thought about a lot, whether I should give my first time to him. However he has never called me his girlfriend and I still have this bottom line of not having sex with someone who is not my boyfriend.

So I interrupted and asked him at one point, "Cato, am I your girlfriend?" He paused for quite a while and said "I still don't know what you mean...But I guess the answer is yes." Then we talked for a while about the definition of a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. I said it only entails exclusiveness and sex although I believe he thought there's more to those and vice versa. And then, he was entirely honest with me and told me that there are days when he thinks about me a lot while there are days I just don't come across his mind at all; he was very afraid of being a bad person and hurting me and that is a source of stress and anxiety for him.

This doesn't surprise that much because that explains why he could go on without calling or texting me for days, although previously I just assumed he was thinking about me but was just too busy to call. I was silent for a while and he wanted to know how I feel. I told him I wanted to cry but I just couldn't; the pain in my chest was and is still unbearable but why can't I squeeze out the tears? I also told him it was my problem because he was the nicest guy I know and now I make him feel like a bad person. I also told him a lot about how difficult it is for my closest friends to see my emotions and how I wish I were a stronger person. He held me tight the whole night while I fell asleep; originally he was planning to leave my place at 6 a.m. but he decided to stay somehow. I asked him why and he just said he wanted to stay.

In the morning I was feeling sad again. I felt that the only way I could make a man stay is by taking my clothes off. No one really wants to stay because of me rather than my body. When he was about to leave he saw my long face and I said to him, "I'm just wondering when I will come across your mind after you leave this apartment." He said he would let me know and 30 minutes later he texted me saying "thought of you."

Now I don't know if he did these things in the morning because he felt guilty or he was falling for me. I think it's more likely to be the former. Why am I such a difficult person to love? Some people say it's because I don't love myself first or because I don't believe in God and his love. As an atheist I actually think I love myself quite well but I still have some contradiction of self-hating. Now is a moment when I hate myself. I really wish I could know what my problem is that makes it impossible for anyone, except for my dog, to love me and turns all the nice guys into jerks against me. Honestly I think I already made a huge progress with Cato in terms of feeling less insecure and having less expectation, but during Thanksgiving I was already shopping for his Christmas gift and imagining us meeting up in front of the beautiful Christmas tree on the Avenue in the City of Money, where his family lives, and exchanging presents; he would say those three words to me on that snowy Christmas day and the world would stop feeling cold and we would kiss on the Avenue with the most beautiful Christmas decorations in the world. I even bought a Christmas card and figured out what to write in the card. Now I know none of these will ever happen and I am alone during the cold holidays again.