Acetaminophen Delirium.

If there's one gift I can ask for from, say, a superpower, it would be the ability to define love, what love is. I thought I had it when I was with Ivan, but then I realized it was not real. Without love I don't even know what happiness feels like. I can laugh, have fun but the loneliness and fear are always there. Why am I such a weak person? Why can't I recover and rejuvenate myself to who I used to be 5 years ago, someone who had all the faith in love, was able to trust completely and never felt insecure?

I caught a very bad flu the night Cato left for his business trip overseas and he won't be back until the end of Thanksgiving. I have been so sick that I couldn't even transport myself to the hospital and stayed home for the past 60 hours. Then I realized I am still by myself after all. No one is next to me. I had to deal with the high fever and body pain that lasted for the past 48 hours all by myself. My throat is so swollen that one can actually see a bump from the outside. NyQuil was able to kill the fever but the sore throat is still there.

How I met your mother had a couple of really nice quotes on love this week:

Nora's dad: When you meet the right person, you know it. You can't stop thinking about them. They're your best friend and your soul-mate. You can't wait to spend the rest of your life with them. No one and nothing else can compare.

Kevin: I am constantly amazed by the things you say, and tranced by the things you do. And unlike a certain jalapeno coconut vodka martini, you’re easy on the eyes. And if we’re together long enough, I hope that one day you see yourself the way I see you.

I thought Ivan and I were each other's best friend. It turned out as we broke up the friendship also ended, which means were not each other's best friend. But on the other hand, I am no Robin. She's gorgeous and every man in the show falls in love with her quickly and deeply. I, on the other hand, seem very difficult to be loved. I don't know why but maybe it's because I love easily? Well, I wouldn't say I love Cato now but at least I try my best to care for him, be there for him, and expect nothing from. The last part is my biggest improvement from the past; I don't expect anything in return; I don't expect him to do or change anything for me because based on my experience with Ivan, I will be blamed for that.

A few days ago after clubbing, Cato walked me home and I asked him to stay but he refused. The reason was because he was going to crash at the place of a close female friend of his as she is going through some depression from a breakup. I got upset, and he thought that was unreasonable. He promised me there was nothing I needed to be suspicious about and spent quite some time to comfort me. The next day I talked to Tanner and he thought my reaction was unnecessary either; Tanner also thought I was high-maintenance. So when Cato asked me out for dinner the next day I apologized for my madness. But does the problem go away? The fact that Ivan got together with that long-distance bitch D is there. After we counted down to the New Year's the first thing he did was to run out of the building and make a long-distance phone call to that bitch for an hour. Then he forced me to wish her happy birthday on the phone. I feel things like these will always prevent me from moving on. They will also make me suspicious and how can I really trust again?

I really wish I had never been with Ivan. I admit there were times I felt truly happy and lucky to have him but all the horrible things he did have left too much scar in my mind and getting close to those areas still burns. He promised me he would never be with D because he felt she was a slut, and he told me even if she jumped on him naked one day he would only despise her rather than be attracted. That was when I trusted him completely and let go all of my concerns. But how could he take advantage of all my trust and be with her? I really wish I could get an answer for this so I can fix myself. I really do.

"It's funny how the people who hurt you the most are the ones who promised you they never would." "The hurt we get from giving too much love, is the inability to ever love again."