Pouring rain

It was pouring rain today. By pouring I mean you could at least expect to drench your shoes even if you hold a big umbrella.

I went clubbing with Ian tonight, and a couple of other friends. We had fun, but nothing happened. It was the first time met up with each other since the last time we met up (and made out).

It's true that I had no expectations for hanging out with him tonight, yet I still felt a tiny bit of disappointment. There wasn't any hot guy at the club anyway, although there were at least 800 people. Maybe it's really because I'm not attractive?

I also had lengthy chats with my close friend Susan. Then I realized that she is more apathetic about men than I. In fact, she thought she has never actually loved anyone, and it wouldn't make a difference to her if one relationship ends. I want to be just like that.

Why can't Richard make a little effort to meet up with me again? Just one week, or even one day. Give me a surprise. Cheer me up. Let me know that I am special and deserve the best. Indeed, it's very easy for me to dwell on Richard because everytime when a guy hurts me I can always easily say he's not as good as Richard anyway and I can move on very quickly, and almost feel no pain. Just as when Ivan broke up with me, I began to dwell on Richard very quickly. Ivan hurt me more than anyone else because I let go of Richard for him but it turned out he dwelled on some other bitch. It was an ego damage, like I lost the game by sacrificing first. One thing for sure is that there's no morality left in relationships these days.

I often wonder if Richard now is the same as the Richard I remember. He's most probably not the same as the one in my mind now. If that's the case, it means that I am dwelling on some unreal image. It sounds like a really unhealthy bad thing right? But you know what, when I was in school, I used to do that all the time so I could ignore all the boys and concentrate on my studies without feeling hurt. That's what happened to me and Ian when we were in high school. It was pretty much known by everyone in the class that we liked each other but I was obsessed with my studies and passed Ian. Later he became close with another girl in our class and I just began to dwell on some unreal men (mostly Hollywood celebrities) so things were easier for me. But you know what, I was happy back then, and I don't even remember being lonely. Could it be that I am now weaker than what I used to be?