Inhibition.

A few moments ago, I almost picked up my cell phone and texted Ian "I am thinking of you." Fortunately, my rationality inhibited everything. If I really did it, all I was going to get would be hurt.

When I began dating Ivan, there was this one time when I was shopping for some furniture, and he texted me and asked me if he should move into my apartment complex because he had doubts about the rent and space. I texted back immediately, "I love you." What happened after that text message was painful. I felt hurt and painful that he could not reciprocate immediately. The next day, I received a text message saying "I love you too..." Yes, with dots, which means doubt. But the sweetest thing was that we slept together that night so he sent the message right next to me when I was asleep. I thought that was love, but now I have learned a hard lesson that I should never initiate to do these things because the immediate response may be negative, or even if the immediate response is positive, the relationship will eventually fail in the most painful way you can ever imagine some time later.

So there comes the inhibition. Inhibit inhibit inhibit. Don't ever let the man know that you like him. In fact, don't even like him. Inhibit the like. Inhibit your interest and care. Inhibit your desire. Don't do anything unless he initiates to take the adventure.

The irony here is that I try so hard every day trying to extend my connections, but in fact there is no human being I can actually connect with; I only connect with my dog, money and Lady GaGa's songs sometimes.