It rains every day.

It's been raining a lot, and I can no longer inhibit the urge to write, although I really do not have time for photography at the moment.

My mind has been very clear recently. A few days ago, M got pissed by one of my sarcastic jokes, and that made me realize I cannot be with someone who is not, if not more, as intelligent and confident as myself. M has this tendency to brag about his model-type ex-girlfriends and his social network full of celebrities; that day he was bragging about a party he went to that was full of musicians, actors, etc and he was now "buddy" with a director. So, I just dropped a random sarcasm out of apathy, "huh, sounds superficial." That was it. He got mad at me. He thought that I never met his friends so I wasn't allowed to judge them. But from what I have sensed is that I must be partially correct so that he got mad because usually confident people don't get mad at euphemisms or sarcasms if they are not true, and if you know clearly that you're not like that.

There. This episode has totally washed out my interest in M somehow. We've been friends for a long time and he is successful, but I know very clearly he's not suitable for me, especially intelligence-wise.

This is why I am still holding onto those vague memories about Richard; we were just too compatible in terms of our ego and intelligence.

Several days ago I accidentally found some pictures of my second boyfriend Fred, which made me recall how innocent and confident I was at that time. I wasn't the jealous type at all; he was very hot but I never thought about other women getting involved in our relationship. I was much less sexual and I didn't let him when he tried to kiss me for the first time. Oh, and Facebook. Facebook makes things very complicated. When I was dating Fred we didn't use Facebook at that time, so obviously I never thought about making our relationship official or anything in public. I was much less demanding in my relationship with Fred. I don't understand what happened after Fred that changed my behavior.

I became more sexual after Richard, because he was very sexual. He taught me a hard lesson on how modern people today always seperate sex from love. He broke my heart, made me jaded, self-conscious, etc. We all know the story. I should hate him.

What I've been convincing myself is that I don't need men to humiliate me. I don't need them to tell me repeatedly how bad my personality is, how sucky I am at being a girlfriend, how crazy my mind is, how fucked up my childhood is, and how unlovable I am. Nope. I don't need all that crap. Way before these men entered my life, I was a happy satisfied lonely girl who lived in a beautiful world.

Richard and I met in the City of Moonlight but none of us lived there. It's been almost 4 years since we last saw each other. I have this tiny desire to book a ticket to the City of Moonlight for a short vacation in summer but I shall really save for the City of Power. I guess if Richard really cares about me he should visit my city, since he's the rich one.

In sum, I am waiting for a nice Richard to come into my life. A nice Richard who is exactly the same as Richard but doesn't have a weak penis that gets hard for every pussy. That's a lot to ask of a man, huh?