A brave heart?

Today Ivan emailed me with just one line: I have blocked you on Facebook and Skype; from now on we will only communicate through emails.

Later he called my cell phone. I asked him why he did it and at the beginning, he said that obviously he still had feelings for me and he kept checking my Facebook and it was too painful and unhealthy for him. However, I refused to believe that excuse. Finally he admitted that he is seeing someone.

It's ok if he's seeing someone, but what drives me crazy is that he is seeing a bitch named D. I have always hated this whore D because she kept sending flirty SMS, emails, and phone calls to Ivan when we were together, and she knew clearly that Ivan was dating me but she just wouldn't stop. Also, she calls Ivan "baby" all the time. When we were together, Ivan even promised that he would "never" date D because she was slutty and Ivan found her gross.

I am not jealous. In fact, I have despised Ivan to an extremity. I feel pathetic for every woman that dates him; but this despise comes with two sides--the underlying side is saying that I am one of those pathetic women. The cause of my anger and madness is not him, but myself. I hate myself for devoting so much to him; I sacrificed my career for him; I waited for him; I promised him that I would never leave him and I kept my words yet he made the same promise but we all know what he did to me. I hate myself so much that I don't even know how I can forgive myself.

When I lost my job and got expelled from my dream place, I often asked Ivan "what do I have left?" And he always said, "you still have me". I know I have always been bitter about my life but the 4-word answer was able to make me move on more easily and believe that love was all I needed. I used to believe that love was everything like what Hollywood is always trying to tell ya, but I've learned my lessons the hard way.

It's time for me to admit that I am naive and innocent, and I've spent years trying to change that but I'm afraid that it will never be changed. Before I met Ivan, I had been telling myself that I would torture the next guy in my life like how every of my exes tortured me, but in the end I was still too naive to do it--I loved him and tortured myself. You know what, I will always believe in love that what they say in the movies and books, but I just won't believe it will ever happen to me. After numerous observations, love only happens to those who don't want it; the more you want it, the more miserable and tragic you get. I have realized that I am too romantic and naive to be in a relationship and I will never step foot in the treacherous water again because I cannot afford to lose my career again. Having a highly material life is better than being with someone who is constantly lying. Besides, if I have a lot of money I can have more dogs and small cute pets. Animals are better companions than men, if the whole trouble of "love" was only meant to find a lifetime partner.

I spoke with a friend today and he said that what I'm going through is something that everyone goes through and that after the episode I will never feel hurt again after breakups. That sounds really awesome, and pathetic too. If people have to be so jaded to love, then it's probably not love. A brave heart is when you give out your heart naked, unarmed. My heart will remain naked and unarmed, but I don't plan to give it to anyone else but my dog.