Pre-V-day sadness

Recently Gmail has created this thing called "Buzz", which sort of works like Twitter/Facebook. And guess what, I clicked on it and only one of my contacts used it--Ivan, ha. He took a picture of some food he made. The food was placed in MY dish left there. And his new girlfriend "likes" the Buzz.

So my instincts prompted me to leave a sarcastic comment like "...and I can see you eating in my dish, and D likes it." Soon he deleted my comment and blocked me on Buzz as well. HAHAHA.

I've been trying hard to fall asleep these nights, but I just can't. I wish I could cry and scream out loud, and then get a hug from anyone telling me that it's ok. But guess what, I can't even cry; it feels like I have run out all of my tears that all my tears do not respond to my sadness anymore. There is no friend, no family, no one I can count on. By "counting on" I don't mean that I want to rely on them; I just wish that I could talk to someone who actually understands my sadness. In the end I still pathetically resort to this stupid blog that nobody reads...

Why is my love so worthless? Every man I've been with broke up with me on either the telephone or Skype except for one guy. After breaking up with me, they tended to be able to enter another relationship very immediately, while I naively kept waiting for the possibility of them coming back to me, waiting for me at the door, or just giving me a phone call. I don't understand why these men want to get rid of my love so bad. Ivan gave me an eye cover before I hopped on the plane home. Since then I've been wearing the eye cover when I sleep, because it feels like his hands covering my eyes for me. Every night before I sleep I imagined seeing him in person again and I would run to him no matter how many people were watching, and he would give me a big ass hug. But those were just some wishful fantasies. None of these will actually happen, not from him or any man. You know what, I've spent every v-day alone, except for last year's; Ivan surprised me with a dozen roses at midnight and I was so naive and just fucking cried. I can't even forgive how stupid and gullible I was.

I really wish I could be a less lonely person, but I guess my fucked up childhood has damaged me deeply. My friends think my life is too dramatic and I am responsible for it. I agree that I am hopelessly romantic but no matter what, I hope it always turns out to be a comedy, although there have been only tragedies so far. My mom and her sister are trying to hook me up with a doctor--straight A genius student, went to a fancy medical school; I haven't seen his picture yet but I've been told that he has a really nice personality. I was outraged when they told me about this hook-up thing because unlike most women, I don't fall for someone because of their profession. But now I'm thinking, maybe the romantic comedy will never happen to me so why don't I just marry someone who's rich and provides me an awesome material life?

Finally, here's my little v-day gift to whoever reads this shitty blog. I took this picture when I was on vacation on a tropical beach last month. I think it was rather a paradise...