Bad, very very bad

After my evening lecture, I went to the bathroom and dropped by iPhone 6 in the toilet. I was distracted by a 15-year-old student who loves talking with me and forgot to take the phone out of the pocket before I took off my pants. After I took off my pants, I heard a sound of something falling. My phone popped out of my pocket and flew directly into the toilet.

I took it to an authorized repairer but apparently this was my problem and I could only pay $450 for a refurbished model. After I got home, I did some research about some reliable repairers in the city, which will be the first places I'll be visiting tomorrow morning.

All of a sudden, I am overwhelmed by stress, frustration, almost desperation. What am I doing? What was I doing? Why am I spending so much money lately? Why do I feel so tired and avoidant about work? I actually had a great time at work tonight and felt good about my lecture. But a disaster followed. What is the universe's message for me?

I shouldn't further upgrade my VIP package to the Backstreet Boys' concert? (This morning I sent an email to the organizer asking if I was able to pay an addition $250 to upgrade my VIP package from Gold to Platinum and they told me to give them a call.) I don't deserve having so much cash with me? This is going to be a bad year? I am careless and irresponsible? I should start being harsh on myself again? I've been too lenient to myself lately? I cried a few times on my way home.

But as I really think about it, it's mostly about the money. If an unauthorized repairer is unable to fix it, I'm not sure if I can still send it back to an authorized repairer to get a refurbished one. Everything on my phone has been backed up in cloud so I'm not too worried about it. Yes, the bottom line is the money. But I still feel something else. It must be my over-reliance on it. I sleep with it, eat with it, go to the bathroom and take a bath with it. It's pretty much my life. I was phone-less for just a couple of hours and I was panicking already. Since when have we human beings become like this?

There are other things that overwhelm me, but this is the final straw that crushes me. I'm gonna have another good cry, get up early tomorrow, and get this phone fixed.

New Birth

My cousin Love just gave birth to another baby boy today. She's got two kids now. I felt a bit dread when I went to visit her at the hospital. I was afraid that I would run into Ken again like I did when Love gave birth to her first baby girl. Fortunately I didn't; unfortunately, I feel so much sorrow about us again.

Love told me that the girl that Ken came to visit her with the last time is marrying the guy she has been dating and will move out of the country soon. She asked me if I was still in touch with Ken and I said no. I feel twitches in my heart upon hearing his name and even more pain when I tell people that I am no longer in touch with him.

I cried a few times today and yesterday listening to the Backstreet Boys, especially the song "As Long As You Love Me". I bought a VIP package to their concert in just a couple of months. It was pricey but I was like, whatever. They went through my teenage years with me when I was struggling, suffocating, and lonely. Last time the universe gave me free tickets to their concert; this time I have the money and I'm buying the whole package myself. I'll be able to meet them in person and have a picture taken with them. I feel super excited to be a teenager again, but I also feel so much sadness that all the faith in love their songs brought me is now falling apart.

But anyway, Ken, love, and stuff. I am so tired.

In memory of Baby on V-day

Since I got no surprises today, I decided to watch the first and the second movie of How to Train Your Dragon, which took me about three hours. I watched them because I wanted to be reminded of Baby, who used to spend every holiday with me when I was alone and lonely. I cried a few times during both movies, which is a good thing because I'd watched those two movies like five times already. I still get triggered as much as I did the first time I saw them. Toothless is like Baby, always there, understanding, innocent and faithful. It's the most sacred  form of love any living thing can ever give and receive. Toothless and Baby are even more loving than most human beings in the world. I will never try to replace Baby and I swear no one will ever replace Baby. She is just her, one and only and forever. It's been a while Baby, but the thought of you makes me feel no less sad than I was on the day when you were gone. That's how much I love you, thank you, and miss you. You're my V forever.

I forgive you.

Dear X,

It's past dinner time and you didn't show up. I guess for some reason you're not able to make it this year (again). But it's ok. We will spend the next sixty V-days together right?

V again

Not five, not Maroon 5's latest album. Just V for Valentine.

Argh. It's v-day again. It's such a painful time of the year. I'm reminded of my weakness, desperation, and hopelessness. I am single again. Exactly 365 days ago, Michael first texted me and we talked on the phone for a couple of hours without having met each other in person. We went to see the Winter Tale for our first date. I thought my fate was finally changing and the one had finally shown up. Apparently it was all too good to be true and the whole illusion burst within just a month.

Ever since Michael, I have believed less and less, and every man after him only reinforced that lost of faith in me. Sean came along, and I got 70% of my hopes up, and then it all went down to the toilet again. Then Ken showed up after his 35th birthday after his cousin's death; I had 50% of my hopes up again, and then he completely disappeared again. Frank showed up one night just to make out with me. I had 30% of my hopes up and then quickly extinguished within just a couple of days. Lastly, there was Roy. I didn't believe in him at first and had so much doubt. I used so much will power to change my mind and gave him a shot, and look what he did to me.

All of these men have said the most romantic, sweetest things one can possible imagine in a movie or book. Things like "I feel like I've known you from my past life", or even "I love you. Let's get married in 2 years" were said by some of these men. But look where they are now. They're gone. They abused me verbally, scared me, neglected me, and then disappeared. It's just so hard to pick up my faith again. I cannot imagine a man who loves me more than all those sweet words.

Maybe I can. A man who loves more than all those sweet words would be a man who take sweet actions to care for me. But that just goes back to the same man again--Ken. I've been missing him so much lately. His latest profile on whatsapp doesn't look like him anymore. He seems more jaded and closed up than the pictures we had in the City of Gold. Is nostalgia really not what it used to be? But I know his soul, because his soul is very similar to my soul. I see him and I see myself. Who one is never changes.

Gotta work all day today and perhaps, just perhaps, a surprise call will happen and someone will take me out on a decent date so I can finally dress up. I really can't remember the last time I dressed up for a date. I love the V-day episode of Modern Family so much, especially the lasting chemistry and loyalty between Phil and Clare.

Hector

I watched Hector and the Search for Happiness tonight and cried my eyes out (as always?). It's totally underrated on IMDB. I gave it a 10. I even think is a much better movie than Boyhood.

Here are the 15 keys to happiness:
1. Making comparisons can spoil your happiness.
2. A lot of people think happiness is being rich or important.
3. Many people see happiness only in their future.
4. Happiness could be the freedom to love more than one woman at the same time.
5. Sometimes happiness is not knowing the whole story.
6. Avoiding unhappiness is not the road to happiness.
7. Does the person you're with predominately bring you a) up or b) down?
8. Happiness is answering your calling.
9. Happiness is being loved for who you are.
10. Sweet potato stew!
11. Fear is an impediment to happiness.
12. Happiness is feeling completely alive.
13. Happiness is knowing how to celebrate.
14. Listening is loving.
15. Nostalgia is not what it used to be.

These 15 points are very intriguing and I agree with everyone of them except for #4. Let me rephrase--I think I've ever experienced everyone of them but I'm not so sure about #4. When I'm in love with someone, I know I have the freedom to love someone else but I didn't need that freedom because I'm dedicated and committed. #4 is very tricky; don't we all have the freedom to love who/what we want at the same time? A legal document, a wedding vow, or persuasion of any sort isn't able to change how we feel. We are never convinced to love someone; it just happens naturally. Loving multiple people at the same time? I still feel quite confused about this. I can have a crush on different guys at the same time. OK, if I really have to recall my past love life, I have to say I've never stopped loving Ken over the past few years, even when I was dating other guys, even when I was having a crush on other guys. Around this time last year, I was dating Michael and I loved him. At one point I got a text message from Ken asking me how I was and I replied: I'm feeling really happy and content with my life now and I'm tired of loving you. What I really meant was: I still love you but I feel so tired keeping doing so.

Let's just say I have the freedom to love more than one man at a time, but does that mean happiness to me? No. I don't think so. I wish I'd be loving only one man at a time for the rest of my life. I wish there was no need for me to love another man because we're committed to each other and we vow to work on the rest of our lives together. I wish I could love no one else but Ken, but that would be suicidal because he doesn't love me. He doesn't even think of me. So I can't love only him. I need to love someone else and perhaps stopping my love for him one day in order to love someone else fully so I can keep living and be happy. #4 is tricky; I don't like it, and I don't fully agree with it.

Then it's nostalgia. Yes, everything I think about me and Ken is nostalgia, which is not what it used to be. But I can't help it. It's been so long since I silently sat in the same room with a man feeling absolutely happy and content with the presence of each other. Of course I miss his smile, his stupid jokes and teasing, and his nervousness. I miss our conversations, and how he made me laugh. I don't know how to deal with a life where everything we had is all gone.

Today was a weird day. I had a bad start before I woke up. I read some frustrating emails from a bed & breakfast that I booked for our family trip in a week. I was 10 mins late to work, which had never happened before. I made a mistake in class. After class, an 18-year-old student cried to me because she was frustrated with the workload we had and I had to hug her and comfort her (not that I didn't want to do those things). My watch stopped running. Booking the train tickets in the last minute was so troubling and exhausting and my brain is consumed from trying to figure out the logistics for our trip.

All of those made me wanna snap, and break down like Hector did at the beginning of the movie. My job is to let all my students be themselves and feel happy, but I don't get to be myself. I'm losing that balance where I put myself first and let things fall into place. I've been working too hard lately trying to make everything work, everyone happy. This doesn't work and I need to find myself again.

The scan of Hector's brain made me cry really badly. Happiness is everything; there's no way to feel happy all the time and feel nothing but happy. The emotions are always intertwined, like I once wrote. I remember writing here that I cry out of both happiness and sadness. I feel bittersweet of things. Things can make me feel happy and sad at the same time, and we can't explain why. Every part of the brain can be triggered at the same time. That's why "warriors" like Hector or myself used to spend our life blocking out all the emotions in order to be "normal", to maintain a career, fit in the world. If we didn't block out all those emotions, we'd be in a chaotic state all the time and it'd be difficult for people to like us.

I need to sleep now. Will work further on these 15 points.

The War, Plane Crash, Taylor Swift, Ken, Love

It's been a while since I last updated but guess what, things have been great. I got a big raise at work after complaining about what my boss told me at the dinner the other day to a few of my students who after the course turned out to be my really good friends, which led me to believe that someone at work must have eavesdropped our conversation the other day about us bitching people at work. Could be worse--maybe one of my students/friends works for my boss.

Then I felt kind of guilty for badmouthing my boss. On the other hand, without letting others know my dissatisfaction about my work condition, I probably would have never got a raise. =)

A plane crashed in a river in the City of Rain. My parents and I were going to take the same type of plane to the East Coast for our vacation in 2 weeks. However, all of us have been overwhelmed by this tragedy and felt really uncomfortable about taking an ATR, so we refunded our tickets and decided to take the train instead. I want to feel care-free when vacationing/traveling, which is also the whole point of vacationing/traveling.

I feel quite sad about a variety of disasters in 2014 and the beginning of 2015. I mean, yes, 2015 is only beginning, but so many tragedies have already taken place in our fucked up world. IS, AirAsia, Malaysian Air, Ukraine, TransAsia, etc. Sometimes I cry upon reading things about these events. I question the reason behind all of these. Many people believe that life and death are completely out of our control, and it's probably preordained by God or the Universe or whoever. But what did those innocent people do to deserve such tragedies? They didn't choose to be born in the Middle East. They didn't choose to die like that. The barbarity of human nature (or is it human nature?) terrifies and saddens me. All animals "can be" violent, but I don't believe they were born violent. Simply look at any infant or cubs. They were not born violent. But human hearts turn steel when they've been hurt repeatedly and can never truly heal themselves. They grow callous and defensive or even aggressive, but that's not healing. Healing is returning the wound opening to where it was before the injury--the innocent, harmless baby, the soft, clean skin, the pure heart that's deep feeling and kind.

All this therapy stuff is actually too difficult for most people to understand. Even a lot of people I know who have been practicing self-help, self-growth, life coaching, or going to these seminars for self-growth can barely see the big picture of the healing process. They know some theories and steps, but they fail to see how those steps connect to different parts inside of us, including our mind, soul, heart, body, vibration, and life and make ourselves be in a state of utmost balance where everything falls into place on its own. I also wonder if every human being has the ability or the instincts to reach this state of mind? Does this require a lot of wisdom that can only be understood and practiced by the very few? Ancient Chinese philosophers, Nietzsche, and Osho taught this to many, but how many have become them? They taught this because they were the most capable of seeing the big picture and understanding the universal principles, but is this something that all human beings can achieve? If we teach this stuff to militants in IS and all the sufferers, will they really change into kind, pure-hearted child-like people?

The chaos we see today is nothing but the result of resentment, of unresolved grief and anger, whether it's people who support barbarity or participate in it.

I've been addicted to Taylor Swift's new album 1989. I've been listening to this song "clean":

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean


Ken. Always, still back to Ken, again.