V again

Not five, not Maroon 5's latest album. Just V for Valentine.

Argh. It's v-day again. It's such a painful time of the year. I'm reminded of my weakness, desperation, and hopelessness. I am single again. Exactly 365 days ago, Michael first texted me and we talked on the phone for a couple of hours without having met each other in person. We went to see the Winter Tale for our first date. I thought my fate was finally changing and the one had finally shown up. Apparently it was all too good to be true and the whole illusion burst within just a month.

Ever since Michael, I have believed less and less, and every man after him only reinforced that lost of faith in me. Sean came along, and I got 70% of my hopes up, and then it all went down to the toilet again. Then Ken showed up after his 35th birthday after his cousin's death; I had 50% of my hopes up again, and then he completely disappeared again. Frank showed up one night just to make out with me. I had 30% of my hopes up and then quickly extinguished within just a couple of days. Lastly, there was Roy. I didn't believe in him at first and had so much doubt. I used so much will power to change my mind and gave him a shot, and look what he did to me.

All of these men have said the most romantic, sweetest things one can possible imagine in a movie or book. Things like "I feel like I've known you from my past life", or even "I love you. Let's get married in 2 years" were said by some of these men. But look where they are now. They're gone. They abused me verbally, scared me, neglected me, and then disappeared. It's just so hard to pick up my faith again. I cannot imagine a man who loves me more than all those sweet words.

Maybe I can. A man who loves more than all those sweet words would be a man who take sweet actions to care for me. But that just goes back to the same man again--Ken. I've been missing him so much lately. His latest profile on whatsapp doesn't look like him anymore. He seems more jaded and closed up than the pictures we had in the City of Gold. Is nostalgia really not what it used to be? But I know his soul, because his soul is very similar to my soul. I see him and I see myself. Who one is never changes.

Gotta work all day today and perhaps, just perhaps, a surprise call will happen and someone will take me out on a decent date so I can finally dress up. I really can't remember the last time I dressed up for a date. I love the V-day episode of Modern Family so much, especially the lasting chemistry and loyalty between Phil and Clare.