Pain demands to be felt.

Last night I wept until I fell asleep. I had a good dream but then this morning I woke up in tears.

"When the daylight comes I'll have to go, but tonight I'm gonna hold you so close 'cause in the daylight we'll be on our own but tonight I need to hold you so close."


Last night I cried because I was thinking about all the men I loved. I think only two of them truly loved me back, one was Jes and the other was Ivan. Then my tears just lost control and poured down like a stream. I fell back to the question of why no one loves me; with so many men passing by--I believe some of whom kissed me because they were falling for me--I still end up having no one who loves me.


Well then, who showed up in my dream last night? It was actually a very good dream. Yes, it was Ken again. This time I saw us in a cab. We finally kissed for the first time and we couldn't stop kissing. It's so weird how human dreams can be so real and unreal at the same time; I could really feel his tongue with mine but the whole thing wasn't real. Then he asked me, "what do you think our relationship is now?"


I smiled, knowing the answer very clearly. I felt really secure because I believed that was it. We were beyond boyfriend and girlfriend and it was our happy ever after. But before I said anything, I just smiled and asked him, "what do you think?"


He said, with a big smile on his face, "I think there are three things. Surprise, surprise, surprise." Then the dream got hazy again. He was continuing about how surprising it was for us to end up together finally but I was so ecstatic and woke up...


Pain kicked in. It demanded to be felt, throughout the day. My tears kept rolling down. I really want to stop loving Ken and open myself to other men but it just doesn't work. Every time when a new man comes, I give them the opportunity and fall completely for them, and yet they disappoint me every time. I have to return to the illusion of Ken, which is not entirely an illusion. Apart from the fact that he has never given my any commitment, all the things and pampering he gave me were real. That nervous smile, his nervousness around me, and all the care and gestures, were real. No one else has been able to treat me the way he did to me.


What if there's no escape and I'm eternally stuck in this illusion? What if he's married to someone else one day? I fear that and I don't know what I'll be like. I'll be devastated and I can't bear to imagine it. I will survive, like I have survived all the unimaginable disasters throughout my life, but I probably won't have the urge to survive then. A world without the fact that he had been there for me (or maybe has) is not worth living in.