Stuck

Last night I was reading my blog entries from the first half of 2010. Then I came to this cruel, saddening realization that I haven't moved on at all since then. I've looping in circles. I thought I changed and my dating patterns changed. But after dating a lot more men and becoming more sociable over the past few of years, I am still back at the point where there's not a single soul I can talk to, I'm still wanting the same simple thing and yet unable to find it--a big bear hug from someone telling me that things would be OK, and I resort to the imaginary relationship with someone who never shows up in my life simply because it's slightly less frustrating than the reality.

I really don't know how to move on with my personal life. Besides working harder and making more money, I'm not sure what else I can do to take care of myself emotionally. I mean, I love my job and I enjoy the presence of my students who adore me, and I still have enough free time to engage in reading and all that artistic stuff. At least this part is better than it was back in 2010, when I didn't have a job but had too much free time and uncertainty about both the present and the future... Am I really different, better now than I was four years ago? If yes, why would I be writing the same thing all over again?

What if fate is in fact the only constant in life? One's personality can change, time passes, the surroundings can change, but fate remains constant. What if this whole relationship stuff is so fated that no other variables can really change it?