Humans are not meant to procreate.

I used to believe in Darwin's theory of evolution and I used to be an atheist. But as I have been observing human nature more closely, I have come to the realization that a lot of human behaviors and things that happen in our life cannot simply be quantified or explained for the sake of procreation. For example, in relationships, infatuation, a human instinct upon seeing a potential mate with ideal physical features, works against us and fails our relationships in the long run.

There are many other examples. Why do some people don't want kids? They're choosing their happiness over procreation, i.e. we human beings may be designed to be happy but rather to procreate. We have too many behaviors that contradict animal instincts and their primary urge to procreate. It'd also be presumptuous to say that human beings are designed to procreate rather than be happy simply because, if one is unhappy, they are most unlikely in want of their own children. In other words, in order to procreate, one must be happy enough about his or her own life in order to want to give birth. This is where evolution is taking us in the 21st century.

I'm thinking about all this because last night, a waitress warned my nephew not to hang out near the automatic door for his own safety. However, he, at the age of six, intentionally went near the door again for the fun of it. If human beings truly want to survive and procreate, they should have listened to the waitress to avoid harm or death. But human beings also hate the feeling of being persuaded so we go near danger anyway. Why does our psychology constantly work against our own good?

In conclusion, I'm coming to the realization that the whole concept of evolution is too simplistic. Human nature is much more complicated than that.

Anyway, after dinner last night, I hung out with my two cousins. As we talked about family and relationships, Ken came up again because my cousins knew him. I had to start over our story from the chemistry we had when I was working for Ken and all the sweet and thoughtful things he did to me in the City of Gold. Then I felt surprised by how much I still remember everything. I miss him so much, I am also very mad at him. The comfort, the feeling of being settled with each other's presence, the superb luck when we were together, and the sense of security are still all very clear to me. Then this image came across my mind--the afternoon when we were sitting on the pier in the City of Gold having brunch before we went to the NBA game. We were silent, enjoying the food, the weather, and the pier. I said to him, "this feels like a painting". He nodded. I snapped a photo of the view with my phone but I had never turned it into a painting. Last night I decided to actually turn that view into a painting and it'd be the most beautiful brunch we've ever had.

I cried last night. I cried this morning. I miss our time together so much. And it still pains me so much...