Mar 17, 2007 -- Jun 2, 2013

The biggest love of my life, Baby, died on Sunday due to acute intestinal bleeding. It happened all too suddenly and I watched her bleed, pass out, and then gone within just a few hours. No vet was able to find out the cause. It seemed to be some kind of poison but rat poison has been ruled out. She was still energetic and happy the night before, but the next morning she started to vomit more. I had to work on Sunday morning so my parents took her to the first vet. Her body temperature and heartbeat were still fine in the morning. After I came home in the afternoon, she was still able to walk but weakly. Then, the bleeding resumed and it was unstoppable. We rushed her to a different vet and the vet said she was in a very desperate situation and injected a shot to maintain her heartbeat. After that we transferred her to another vet that has 24-hour monitoring but by the time we got there, Baby's breathing was already difficult. They put on an oxygen mask on her right away but a few minutes later, she was already in shock.

After 30 minutes of resuscitation Baby was still gone. I kept praying for a miracle from the Universe or God. I kept begging them not to take the biggest love of my life away from me. I wondered why it is taking everything I love away from me. I kept talking to Baby while the vet gave her CPR. I kept telling her she was such a good baby and we were going out for a walk. I kept saying "come on, let's go!"

I've been crying my eyes out. I woke up in the middle of the night because Baby used to wake me up at night to go to the bathroom or to just sleepwalk. I cried. Then in the morning I woke up but she wasn't there, and I cried again. I went to the first vet in the morning with so much anger and the vet showed me her medical exam report and x-ray and her condition was really puzzling. There was nothing in her stomach but the intestines were swollen. Her life signs didn't show symptoms of rat poison and her liver wasn't inflamed either. Usually when a dog is poisoned by some toxins, their liver tends to inflame. It really happened too quickly.

It was so hard not to blame myself. I'm trying very hard to forgive myself. The night before I was saying that there was nothing in the world that's worth living for. Baby heard that. Maybe she was sad that I didn't consider her a reason to keep living for so she decided to leave first. I feel so guilty. What if it's really my fault? I feel so so so guilty.