I surrender.

I surrender! What more do you want?

I've been screaming this line from Life of Pi all day, not out loud, of course. I'm missing Baby so much. My chest can barely contain the grief. Then I thought of Mark, Ken, and Caesar. Caesar is a guy I met online but lives in the City of Gloom. He's such a caring person and we want the same thing in life but at the moment he's too poor to come visit me in person. I thought about how the Universe, or God, is taking everything away from me, except for my life.

It took away the City of Gold from me. It took away Baby. It took away all these men from me. Baby was the only reason that made being back home more pleasant than being in the City of Gold. Without Baby my home is dead. My parents are literally dead people walking.

If healing means believing whatever has happened because of love, because of the love life has for me, then what do all these means? It's so hard to keep believing that something better will come along after being traumatized by grief and anger. Is there anything better than Baby? She was the best thing in my life. For the first time I could love and learned how to love unconditionally. She was so innocent, so honest, and never hid how she felt from me, and I loved whatever she had, no matter how naughty, how rebellious she got. What's there for me ahead of me? Something even better? I cannot imagine that. I intend to keep believing something even better is right in front of me. I need some sign to reinforce my belief.