Grief

It's been almost three weeks since my dog passed away and I haven't recovered from grief. There are days when I actually feel happy (especially those days when I'm teaching kids) yet there are days I wake up with great pain and guilt missing her.

Today is one of those sad days. I woke up recalling images of Baby that afternoon before we rushed to the ER. That Sunday I had four outbreaks of diarrhea, even during the morning when I was lecturing. I think Baby was sending me a message telling me she had problems with her intestines. I got home in the afternoon; she was feeling weak after my parents took her to the vet in the morning but still able to walk.

Later my parents went out to buy sports drinks for her because according to the vet she couldn't drink water for 6 hours and then we had to start feeding her sports drinks. I took her to my bedroom to rest. She was napping. Then I was feeling pain in my stomach and went to the bathroom. That was the fourth outbreak of diarrhea that day for me. Baby was very weak but she still dragged herself to the bathroom mat and sat there to wait for me. After I finished, I asked her to go back to the bedroom with me and she couldn't get up. So I held her and put her on her towel to rest. Then she was sleeping again. I realized much later that was the last time she was conscious before she was gone. She struggled to be with me for the last time when I went to the bathroom., to see me one last time.

I love you so much. I feel so guilty. I love you so much, so much that I really don't know if I can get up again. Baby I love you. I am so sorry.