Sense and Sensibility

Jane Austen has been the greatest influence in my love life so far, besides my coach. Her stories are the only reason why I can continue to believe.

Tonight I watched again the mini TV series Sense and Sensibility produced by BBC. And certainly I cried again. I think relationship problems back in the early 19th century were nothing different from those we have today. Only the formalities are different, and back then they never used the word "relationship" or "boyfriend/girlfriend". Instead, an "attachment" evolves into an engagement very quickly and engagement is the exclusive committed relationship that leads to marriage. This is exactly the kind of relationship I want.

I don't think the story itself ended with sense triumphing sensibility. Marianne is still an open, emotional woman who truly falls in love with Colonel Brandon. I don't think sense is better than sensibility in love. What Marianne had for Willoughby was obsession rather than love. I think love requires both sense and sensibility but sense is only used when we get caught up on someone who doesn't really care about us.

I had a blind date with a guy I met online. When we talked online, I actually found him really sweet and intelligent. I thought he was really emotionally mature and a real gentleman. But when we met in person today, I realized he is shorter than I and he has microtia. I don't know how bad his hearing was but he talked rather loudly. He was very anxious and kept on talking excessively. I felt very stressed during the date because even though I've dated fat, skinny, short, ugly guys, I couldn't see myself dating a somewhat facially deformed man. I told him I couldn't have a second date with him and told him what happened with my drinking night with Ken two days ago. I lied to him that I was still in love with Ken and that I was emotionally available. I felt too much tension from our interaction and maybe I am really shallow. I really try to forgive myself this time because I couldn't feel attraction to the handicapped. I myself am perfectly healthy, fit, beautiful, smart, and the whole package and I really want to be with someone like myself.

Sense and Sensibility reminds me of Mark, who is 17 years older than I. But since he's gone, there's a new guy who's been taking me to nice places. He's 18.5 years older than I. I haven't come up with a pseudonym for him at the moment. Could he be my Colonel Brandon?