Tears at last.

Last night I finally cried. It was a good long cry. I was very mad about how each man I've been with treated me like shit and the sadder part is that it's most probably my problem rather than theirs. I recalled the night I talked to JJ about how he was going to do with his girlfriend, and he asked me, "you haven't devoted real feelings have you?" I obviously had to answer no with a big smile, but I was already bleeding on the inside. Then I cried out loud in the shower.

I also recalled the day Richard left my apartment. I told him not to leave and he just asked, "we're cool right? We're good buddies." I certainly nodded with a big smile, and then I was depressed for days. It was so painful and sad but I could not drop a single tear.

Why does every man I've been with treat me like shit? Why do they all assume that I have no feelings and am just a toy? They could play with me and then dump me nothing different from an ordinary garbage. I am at least a fucking intelligent hot human being. What did I do wrong to deserve all this shit? I haven't thought of these scars for a very long time but last night I finally realized they're all there, still there, and hurting.

Not to mention all these guys began dating other girls immediately after dumping me. What in me drives men away? My intelligence, workaholism? They never tell me and they don't really care; it's their intention to leave me alone in the abyss of confusion and sadness.

I am 25 and right now should be a beautiful age to fall in love, but it has not happened yet. I wish Ken would join me for my weekend getaway before I move back to the City of Power and perhaps we would fall in love in the city where Richard and I fell in love. But after the weekend he would follow me to the City of Power because it's where he did his undergrad; he would realize he could not live without me.