V-Day.

Today me and a few male colleagues were talking about how much to spend on Valentine's Day. One of the guys suggested that the average is 200 bucks; the typical whole package includes a 100-dollar dinner with fine wine, chocolate, flowers, handwritten card, and jewelry. Then they asked for my advice. I responded, "I have been with more than 10 men, but I celebrated V-Day only once. And that time I think my ex spent about 200 bucks too." That's right. Two years ago, Ivan spent 70 bucks for a decent dinner for two, 30 bucks for half a dozen roses, and another 40 bucks for gifts from Wal-Mart. Oh crap, that's way lower than 200 bucks. WTF?

Hmm it's been 2 years already. I hate Valentine's Day, and I hate the fact even more that some guys actually make a lot of effort to make that day special for the girl because that just never happens to me. Why are there so many girls out there who are so much luckier than me yet not even half as kind, considerate, caring, and loving as me? You know what, this is a question that will never be answered and I have given up thinking about the why.

There are only 2 weeks left until I see Richard again. Still, he has not messaged me further about how I am doing or given me a phone call in person. I admit I often fantasize about how he would surprise me by showing up a day early on the 14th with an insanely huge bouquet and an insanely large heart-shaped Godiva chocolate, oh and maybe, a diamond ring too. These fantasies are a form of entertainment in my life because I stopped watching any movies that have love stories in them (so this leaves me very few options) and I have almost completely lost hope in relationships. Sometimes I don't even know whether the person in my fantasies is Richard, or just someone I made up because I am forgetting how Richard acts and talks. A lot of the memories are fading away because it's been 5 years. I should also stop my romantic fantasies right? Otherwise I would be so disappointed and heart-broken when he gets here because the most beautiful thing in my life is in fact ugly and most harmful of all.

"Cuz if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be, thinking maybe you'll come back to the place that we meet. I'm here waiting for you, on the corner of the street."

Why can't someone on earth do that for me? Why is it me doing that for someone? Isn't it supposed to be the man's job?

"Who Knew" by Pink, is a song that has been played more than 1,000 times over the past 5 years. "If someone says three years from now you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out cuz they're all wrong. The last kiss I'll cherish until we meet again, and time makes it harder, I wish I could remember, but I keep your memory, and you visit me in my sleep. My darling, who knew?" I'm glad my faith in this song has finally worked, but is the ending going to be a happy one?

It's not that I don't want to move on or I can't move on; there are so many men in my life but the ones I like are either taken or not interested in me. It's quite nice this way indeed because we become really good friends and they're like my brothers to me so I can stop ruining friendships by getting sexual with them. I learned my lessons from JJ and Ian, who used to be such good friends of mine and now no longer talk to me and I think JJ is planning on backstabbing me at work. Men are all jerks. They don't want to love me yet they can't stand seeing me liking other men.

Richard, you selfish, cold-blood, cruel murderer. You owe me this V-Day; I deserve a perfect super date. If five-year wait is not enough effort, then I am really unsuitable for the romance industry.

On a different note, my family has sold the house in which I was born and raised and they're already moving out now. I am not a part of the move at all because I cannot afford to go back to the City of Rain. I don't feel sad for the house because it's old and not in such a good shape; I'm more concerned about my valuables, such as my Barbie dolls and musical instruments. I also feel rootless now; it makes me feel that the City of Rain is no longer my home because my parents will be renting a place, so they don't really own any place in the City of Rain anymore. So now, the City of Power is now my home, where I grow my new roots, although my roots are so isolated from any of my family. I have to do whatever I can to strive and stay in this city otherwise I would be homeless. FAITH IN MY POWER.