Boston.

This morning I was listening to Pandora while taking a shower. It played Boston by Augustana. It was interesting, because Richard was going to Boston this morning; I was waiting for him to drop by my place and get his luggage. The sunshine was amazing in this city today; it has been gloomy for the past few months.

Eventually I didn't give him that card. I don't have the courage to gamble, to cause him to ignore me forever. The beautiful sunrise dispersed in my high-rise studio, and he was waiting for the elevator. I called, "Richard?" He said, "Yes? What's going on? Are you OK?" I smiled, and said, "Yeah, never mind." I shrugged my shoulders and almost spit out the words yet stopped again. He asked, "Do you want a hug?" I said, "No. I'm fine."

In the elevator I tried to spit out the words but I just couldn't. Eventually, on the street intersection, where we were heading toward different direction, he gave me a light hug. He said to me, "We're cool, right?" I nodded. "I might be here again in June." I asked him why and he explained. We were about to part, and I smiled and finally said, "Don't go." He smiled and said, "No I'm gonna be late for the flight." I said it again, and he was already walking away. He said to me, "I will send you a postcard from Boston." I turned around, walked to my office, and never looked back.

I was sad, depressed, frustrated, and hating the unfairness of life, but I couldn't drop a single tear. I felt the tears in my throat, but I just couldn't cry. I really don't know why. I would feel so much better if my tears could just explode like the water falls, but I am just not able to. Why isn't there another Richard in this city who can actually be with me?

About the postcard, Richard saw the postcards from all over the world on my wall, and he said he sent me a postcard 4 years ago, but I've never got it. He said he still has the card that I sent him 4 years ago and he replied to my address. I wonder what happened to the postcard because I was able to get postcards from all over the world yet I missed out on the most desired one. I think it was most likely that my mom filtered my mail and stole it. So Richard said he would send me another one.

Please let my emotions explode. Richard said I haven't changed much, but I think I have. If I were 20, I would have been more dramatic and emotional, but now I am just a walking dead soul, emotionless, numb, jaded, and dependent on alcohol. Indeed, alcohol does help crying, and that was one of Richard's visiting gifts to me--a bottle of exotic herbal schnapps. Now I see the point of giving alcohol to someone as a gift.