Nami...

Nami...Nami...

I cried myself to sleep last night. I've been extremely busy with work lately and somehow I've been quite lethargic that I haven't been able to get a lot of things done. A couple of things happened though.

Last Monday Michael had just moved to his new apartment and asked me to drop by him place. I just got my period and was feeling too weak to go, so I went on Tuesday. He hadn't finished his tutoring session by them so I waited by the window, reading and listening to the pouring rain. It was raining heavily that day. After he finished, he got a warm soy milk for me and we cuddled by the window. We kissed. He said he was so lonely, and everything felt like what happened when we were together. He told me he had been doing some thinking lately. He realized that he got all the childhood conditioning from his dad and felt sorry for his mom because his dad is way worse than he is; if so many women couldn't stand him, his mom must have suffered a lot to be with him for so long. I was in his embrace for a couple of hours. We talked about a lot of things. I asked him where it was going and he wanted me to decide. I couldn't because I would not go through any abuse again.

We met again on Saturday night briefly after he finished work. I felt distance this time. I was happy to see him but he was exhausted by then. Also, I could tell he wasn't as into me as before.

Last night we talked on the phone. I had to clarify things with him. I wanted to know where it was going and how he felt about me. He kept talking about how busy he has been and will be because of work this summer, but he didn't open up to me. He said if he's going to be in a relationship, he needs to spend a lot of time with the other person, like how we used to see each other every day. I said I could be fine with not seeing each other a lot while we're both busy with work but I need to know if his heart will be there. He said he didn't believe in that kind of fantasy. It sounds like the time when we were together was reset to zero, like it never happened. I asked him if that month when we were together was important to him, and he refused to respond. The answer is obvious. What I thought to be a miracle, a fairy tale, meant nothing to him. This explains why he abused verbally and dished away whatever we had so quickly.

What does life want from me really? Without a family, without love, there is no hope in life. What am I fighting for? What am I suffering for? Nothing really. Once we lose hope, life reaches its end. Nice men with caliber don't want to be with me; the best love story in my life turns out to be a hoax.

That's why I cried myself to sleep last night, calling "Nami...Nami..."

Happy Ending

Penny and Leonard are engaged. How I Met Your Mother reached a grand finale. It feels quite scary that the two most important shows in my life are getting their happy endings but I'm nowhere near it.

Recently I also saw the Wolf of Wall Street, the Great Gatsby, the Sixth Sense, and City Lights. Somehow I identify with Gatsby's "extraordinary gift for hope, a romantic readiness" deeply. But look how the story ends? He died for nothing. Daisy couldn't go back to him. Is this what people really get when they have an extraordinary gift for hope?

The Wolf is a great movie but I am more interested in knowing Belfort's childhood. He must have been born emotionally troubled and grown up in a pretty fucked up home.

City Lights is incredible. It makes me miss the Manhattan skyline again. But most importantly, the Tramp found true love.

You don't miss your water till the well runs dry.

By Craig David.

Tonight I had to teach a new class at 7 o'clock. Upon entering the elevator, I ran into Sean. I felt awkward and complicated because I had to be in my best/happiest mode as I entered the classroom but seeing him there triggered so much emotion. We saluted. He said he was going to audit (and I'm not sure if he's taking) Michael's class tonight, which took place the same time as mine.

As the elevator arrived, Sean let me walk out first and I said thank you. I kept walking to the administrative staff to get my materials and he went to another classroom. A few seconds later, Michael showed up, and we looked into each other in the eyes for a couple of seconds.

I suppressed all my feelings and taught for almost three hours. After my lecture, Michael waited for me and asked me to grab some food with him. I rejected at first because I wasn't feeling hungry and was tired. He kept begging so I agreed. I talked about mostly work. He mentioned his parents and that his mom got hurt in a car accident, but not seriously injured. I mentioned that my brother confessed to me that he might get married with his boyfriend.

He said it felt magical although we weren't talking much. I just smiled. I was quiet for most of the time. How I felt was ineffable. There was definitely lots of chemistry but I also felt scared at the same time. I couldn't forget how he abused me verbally. He said he had been thinking maybe he'd still be dating but not able to settle down with anyone when he's 80 because whenever he gets upset, he hurts others; he thought nobody liked the real him. I looked down and was silent. In fact, I believe he has a kind, vulnerable heart but it's the barbed armor he puts on that hurts other people too much. I can't explain any of these to him because he won't like it and won't listen to it anyway. He has to figure this out himself one day.

We walked back to the metro station. He wanted to know when I'd be free to go to the movies with him. I asked him what he meant by asking me out for a movie. He was only paraphrasing but it felt like that he wanted to try again. I shook my head and cried. He hugged me and tried to say and do something funny to make me laugh again. He put a tiny inhaler in one of his nostrils.

I went to the subway and never looked back. I cannot get back together with him if he continues to abuse me verbally, if he doesn't get over his fake pride which is a result of his own insecurity and self-consciousness. The world looks lonely, feels lonely. A great man like Sean doesn't want to be with me. A great man like Michael who's willing to commit and talk to me on a daily basis abuses me verbally. I'm so fed up with my love life. I feel like giving up.

When the sixth sense is right

I just feel an awful pain.

On Sunday morning, I woke up and couldn't resist the sadness welling up in my body. I began to cry as soon as I got up in bed. I texted Sean, "How have you been? I feel so disconnected from you. Is there something I should know?" Then I was in the pit of deep despair, depression, and grief. I kept crying, like there was no switch off to my tears. I cried the whole day, and went painting in the afternoon.

I decided to draw the beach where Eric took me before I left the City of Gold. I cried as I drew. I felt disruptions of frustration, anger, and sadness as I stroked my brush on the cloth. Occasionally I also had to reply to text messages from my family and friends and answer phone calls from my mom because I told them I was suicidal. None of them was able to give me comfort. All they told me was what I did wrong and how terrible I was. But all I really want is someone, just one person, in this world, who can love me for who I am. Someone besides myself. Someone who accepts and loves all of my feelings. Someone who doesn't get annoyed or judge me when I cry. Someone who can hold me when I cry.

Finally in the evening, Sean replied my text messages and told me he had been busy with his family. I texted back, "I would like to know where our relationship stands at the moment and whether my frustration and sadness are one-sided and unjustified. Can I?" He said he'd like to discuss it with me as well later night that.

I finished my painting, and went to a nice risotto place for dinner alone. I cried as I ate. It was like the tap of tears couldn't be switched off. I hadn't felt that sad for a long time. It was worse than when Michael broke up with me.

As I got home, my mom was there waiting for me and gave me a hug, but it just felt fake. She still refused to face the deepest wound in my heart, which comes from her and my father. Then my aunt called me and tried to encourage me. I knew they cared about me, but they're not men. I wanted to feel the embrace of a man who could hold me like a baby, who could make me feel secure. None of these people in my life can do that, because they're women and they're emotionally distant.

I probably had cried half a gallon of tears by then. In the end, Sean called. We talked. We broke up. He said he could feel that I was very nice to him and I was a sweet girl, but the long distance situation wouldn't work, and he also wanted to focus on his studies and career. I cried even more, until my head ached. He said the long distance situation wouldn't be fair to me and it'd be worse if we ended things then. I said, "hurtful is just hurtful. There's no more hurtful or less hurtful." He said he was sorry but he really didn't want to hurt me. I told him that it wasn't his fault and I knew he wasn't intentional. But he made a choice after all. He didn't believe in me. He chose to believe in his rationale for predicting our future instead of me. He didn't believe that I was the one that he had to hold onto forever. How is it possible not to take it personally after so many men?

My head hurt nonstop for the following three days. After some Tylenols I am finally headache free now. I've also told myself that I shouldn't be crying so hard ever. But there's just so much pain in me that needs healing. Perhaps that's why it's been raining these couple of days. The universe is crying for me again.