You don't miss your water till the well runs dry.

By Craig David.

Tonight I had to teach a new class at 7 o'clock. Upon entering the elevator, I ran into Sean. I felt awkward and complicated because I had to be in my best/happiest mode as I entered the classroom but seeing him there triggered so much emotion. We saluted. He said he was going to audit (and I'm not sure if he's taking) Michael's class tonight, which took place the same time as mine.

As the elevator arrived, Sean let me walk out first and I said thank you. I kept walking to the administrative staff to get my materials and he went to another classroom. A few seconds later, Michael showed up, and we looked into each other in the eyes for a couple of seconds.

I suppressed all my feelings and taught for almost three hours. After my lecture, Michael waited for me and asked me to grab some food with him. I rejected at first because I wasn't feeling hungry and was tired. He kept begging so I agreed. I talked about mostly work. He mentioned his parents and that his mom got hurt in a car accident, but not seriously injured. I mentioned that my brother confessed to me that he might get married with his boyfriend.

He said it felt magical although we weren't talking much. I just smiled. I was quiet for most of the time. How I felt was ineffable. There was definitely lots of chemistry but I also felt scared at the same time. I couldn't forget how he abused me verbally. He said he had been thinking maybe he'd still be dating but not able to settle down with anyone when he's 80 because whenever he gets upset, he hurts others; he thought nobody liked the real him. I looked down and was silent. In fact, I believe he has a kind, vulnerable heart but it's the barbed armor he puts on that hurts other people too much. I can't explain any of these to him because he won't like it and won't listen to it anyway. He has to figure this out himself one day.

We walked back to the metro station. He wanted to know when I'd be free to go to the movies with him. I asked him what he meant by asking me out for a movie. He was only paraphrasing but it felt like that he wanted to try again. I shook my head and cried. He hugged me and tried to say and do something funny to make me laugh again. He put a tiny inhaler in one of his nostrils.

I went to the subway and never looked back. I cannot get back together with him if he continues to abuse me verbally, if he doesn't get over his fake pride which is a result of his own insecurity and self-consciousness. The world looks lonely, feels lonely. A great man like Sean doesn't want to be with me. A great man like Michael who's willing to commit and talk to me on a daily basis abuses me verbally. I'm so fed up with my love life. I feel like giving up.