First EMDR

 I just had my first EMDR session on Saturday. It’s somewhat magical. As I followed the therapist’s hand with my eyes, a lot of feelings really showed up, but most surprising of all was my fear. I was feeling so much fear after just a few rounds and I do indeed have many layers of fears and anxiety. I could even feel that the anxiety was located in my back. Then I had a lot of tears because the therapist would ask me what thoughts came into my mind and I talked about my abandonment from my very early childhood, as early as one year old. 

I think a part of my anxiety is associated with Eric. After not having talked for a couple of weeks, he landed in the City of Rain on Friday and we had dinner last night (Sunday night). We hung out for about 4 hours, and he said that I was disconnecting from him and I told him I was only reflecting what he was making me feel. He gave me a whole account of his entire travel and how busy he had been with flying and going back home to visit his family also kept him very busy. After dinner we took the ferris wheel and we tried to do karaoke but the booths were occupied so we just took a walk. Then we got back into my car and we continued to talk in the car. Eventually he said that I should take him back to his hotel so that his wife wouldn’t freak out. I also cried when we had our last hug before he got off the car. I gave him a smile and he said “that’s the smile I like” and I said, “I’m about to cry” and I started crying. It’s hard for me to identify the exact thought that led to my tears; it was complicated. A part of it was that he made me so happy the whole time we were hanging out and we were laughing so hard and that no one else can do that for me in my life. Another part of it was that I didn’t know when I’d see him again, and he said his city was so close to mine and that he wants to set up a company in the City of Rain to invest in solar equity. He said I could visit him or he would visit me or we meet in a third country. He also thought that I had serious paranoia about abandonment and after all the things he’s told me I still thought that he would abandon me.

Another part of me is sad because I don’t know what to want. I am typing this entry at the airport alone. I am traveling to Sapporo alone. This is my first time traveling by myself in the past 10 years and also my first time to visit Hokkaido. The ironic thing is that before I got married, I was so sick of traveling alone, but now I actually crave it. I don’t want to tend to anyone else’s needs anymore besides my own.