Nami...

Nami...Nami...

I cried myself to sleep last night. I've been extremely busy with work lately and somehow I've been quite lethargic that I haven't been able to get a lot of things done. A couple of things happened though.

Last Monday Michael had just moved to his new apartment and asked me to drop by him place. I just got my period and was feeling too weak to go, so I went on Tuesday. He hadn't finished his tutoring session by them so I waited by the window, reading and listening to the pouring rain. It was raining heavily that day. After he finished, he got a warm soy milk for me and we cuddled by the window. We kissed. He said he was so lonely, and everything felt like what happened when we were together. He told me he had been doing some thinking lately. He realized that he got all the childhood conditioning from his dad and felt sorry for his mom because his dad is way worse than he is; if so many women couldn't stand him, his mom must have suffered a lot to be with him for so long. I was in his embrace for a couple of hours. We talked about a lot of things. I asked him where it was going and he wanted me to decide. I couldn't because I would not go through any abuse again.

We met again on Saturday night briefly after he finished work. I felt distance this time. I was happy to see him but he was exhausted by then. Also, I could tell he wasn't as into me as before.

Last night we talked on the phone. I had to clarify things with him. I wanted to know where it was going and how he felt about me. He kept talking about how busy he has been and will be because of work this summer, but he didn't open up to me. He said if he's going to be in a relationship, he needs to spend a lot of time with the other person, like how we used to see each other every day. I said I could be fine with not seeing each other a lot while we're both busy with work but I need to know if his heart will be there. He said he didn't believe in that kind of fantasy. It sounds like the time when we were together was reset to zero, like it never happened. I asked him if that month when we were together was important to him, and he refused to respond. The answer is obvious. What I thought to be a miracle, a fairy tale, meant nothing to him. This explains why he abused verbally and dished away whatever we had so quickly.

What does life want from me really? Without a family, without love, there is no hope in life. What am I fighting for? What am I suffering for? Nothing really. Once we lose hope, life reaches its end. Nice men with caliber don't want to be with me; the best love story in my life turns out to be a hoax.

That's why I cried myself to sleep last night, calling "Nami...Nami..."