Frozen

As the days go by, I continue to miss Alex. It seems like he's gone, like everyone else in my life.

Last night I went on a date with Jeff. I met him at the Red Room as well but he never asked me out until last weekend. He seems really into me and held my hand as soon as we met again. I just felt really uncomfortable and finally had the courage to let him know that I wasn't comfortable with him touching me.

Jeff isn't a good looking guy, and fat. But he's smart, has a great background, and is already a homeowner. He's 33 years old. Sometimes I felt that he might be falling for me already; other times I felt that he was just saying things girls like to hear so he might be simply experienced. 

For example, he told me that my eyes twinkle and that I am adorable when I smile. I could handle the latter because I've heard that too many times. But the first one just sounds like a TV show line. Also, when I was talking about how shy I was that even though I speak in public for a living, I can't stand going to a party and making small talks with strangers because when I'm on stage, I know people are there for me but when talking to random strangers, I'm just a nobody and I feel pressured to impress. He then held my hand and told me that he would be there only for me, not for the drinks or the party itself, if I give a talk one day at the Red Room.

It felt nice to know that someone is trying to make me happy but it just feels weird. He barely asks me anything. He doesn't know where I went for college and how many siblings I have. He didn't seem interested in what I do for a living until I brought that up. I have no idea why he likes me so much already. Maybe he's only into my body? What if he's a player?

After our date, I didn't go home right away. I went to the place where Alex and I went to see the largest Christmas tree in town. It was late so everything was closed. I kept staring into the dark sky and whispering, "please show up." Then I cried. Why can't there be just one miracle for me?

On the subway home, I texted Alex, "I'm missing you so much right now."

He read it but never replied. Today I told myself that he's really gone. Then I deleted our entire text conversation from the very beginning and all the pictures of himself that he sent me. I couldn't delete our pictures though, just like I couldn't delete my only picture with Ken either.

We must speak the truth. Alex or Ken or every other guy thinks that disappearing in silence is the best way to prevent me from being hurt. The truth is, it's very selfish. They want to sound noble that they can't hurt anybody, but in fact, they just don't want to feel guilty. It's for their own good, not for me. When Mark left, he replied to my "I miss you" message that he couldn't reciprocate the feelings I had for him. It hurt like hell but it helped me move on. If Alex could just tell me that he never wants to be with me, he doesn't love me, he loves his girlfriend, and he is going to be with her forever, I will be able to move on. If Ken can tell me the same thing, I will be able to move on. It hurts very very deeply as I'm only imagining this, but has it every gone any other way? At first they all cared about me so much and treated me so nicely. And then I became completely nobody to them. Why is that? What's wrong with me?

This morning, I crawled up into a ball on the edge of my bed. I was talking to Ivan. I imagined that he was holding me and comforting me from behind. I kept calling his nickname and crying.