Written Journal Dec 28 to Jan 6

Dec 28, 2013
Today is the third day of my nonstop tears and listening to Inside of Love repeatedly. I've played that song at least 200 times. Yesterday I kept crying to that song but today I am much better. I like the image the song creates so I simply didn't want to stop the repeat. You can say I have OCD, but whatever. I'm a crazy person, just like everyone else in the world. People scream, use violence, fight, hurt other people, and they're not crazier than I am?

I cried so much eventually my depression kicked in again. I wanted to die, seeing no hope at all in love. But as I am writing this entry, I am no longer suicidal. Maybe it's because my serotonin level has increased after the gym; maybe it's because I have already released all of my negative emotions. I feel tired but not hopeful. I am terrified to keep hoping.

Dec 29, 2013
I'm feeling so much pain in my chest while sitting on this bus. I want to forget Alex. I want to believe that I deserve better. Why is it so hard? I don't have the courage to believe that there's a better man out there for me, because I don't need perfection. I want a normal loving guy, but even a normal guy can't stay here with me. The thought of him spending Valentine's Day and three other weeks with his girlfriend hurts me. The thought flails my heart.

**After the gym**
Recently I've been reading another self-help book on "letting go". I was reading it while I was riding the bike at the gym. Then I cried on the bike. I'm amazed by how my emotions are more powerful than the release of serotonin, i.e. exercising. The author says her husband once drank with clients despite his conditions. She got angry at her husband because she was worried about losing him. But then, she thought to herself that maybe she would be the one who dies first. Even though his heart conditions might kill him, the choice is his after all. It's selfish of her to try to change him because of her fear of being alone. This story made me cry even though I was exercising. Nobody cries when exercising except for me.

Nevertheless, it's such a difficult concept, especially I'm always alone, by myself. Although I know I will always be there for myself, and I enjoy my own company, it's still such a lonely idea, a very lonely image. I am letting go of Alex. I don't know why he showed up in my life so randomly. I don't know why I went to the Red Room that night. I don't know why I ran into Andrew. I don't know why Andrew messaged me and asked me out 8 months ago. I don't know why he never talked to me again. I don't know why Alex came to talk to me that night. I don't know why he didn't ask for my number that night. I don't know how he found my LinkedIn. I don't know why he asked me out and bought me Godiva the first time. I don't know why he felt so happy when hanging out with me. I don't know why I ended up with two VIP tickets to the Cirque du Soleil. I don't know why we had so much fun. I don't know why we ran into a marriage proposal after checking out three bars. I don't know why I proposed China Pa because I had never been there and I was told it was shut down. Why did he have to show up? Are these signs from the universe? If the universe wants us to be together, then why breaking my heart again? Where are you taking me? Should I stay or should I go? I want to go, but moving again feels so scary. I want to believe there are other men waiting for me, but what do these signs mean? If I move on again, I'll never have a chance to find out. But perhaps, even if I stay, I still won't be able to find out what the signs mean. Ken was a great example. We had the perfect date that Saturday and ran into the Black Eyed Peas. Was a sign from the universe that we're so powerful and lucky when we're together? If it was, what does it mean for me and Ken? He's gone, completely gone. Ken, do you hate me? Did I mean anything to you? Do you even wonder how I'm doing and how I feel? Do you know if I'm alive? Was it all meaningless to you? All the time we spent together meant a lot to me. All the things you did for me meant a lot to me, as well as all the silent awkward moments. I remember the night when you made steak for me, you sitting next to me while I was drawing on your iPad, you asking me to sew the buttons on your blazer, you telling me that it was your happiest day in the US, you showing up in the middle of the night picking me up, buying me breakfast and taking me to grocery shopping with you when I cried my eyes out, knowing that I had to get strawberry Haagen Dazs. I particularly remember when you held me tight with both your arms that night when you tried to make out with me without kissing me, the last time we ever saw each other. Maybe you tried to take advantage of my body, but the hug felt real. I was lying on your chest, topless. My nose was right beneath your face. I could hear you breathe. I would smell you so closely for the first time. Do all these things mean nothing at all?

Perhaps the universe created all these moments for me so I can feel what love feels like. I find comfort in these images, although I've cried tons of tears for them. A couple of nights ago, these images with Ken stopped me from crying and I fell sound asleep like a baby. Those moments do feel a lot like love. However, that night I had a nightmare about Baby. I saw a red toy poodle bleeding in a cage and had no water to drink. I immediately let her out of the cage and gave her water. Although the dog didn't look like Baby, the situation felt too much like the day when Baby died. I remember that feeling of powerless and the innocence at first in believing in the vet and assuming her physical symptoms would be OK. The pain of Baby's death that day will always be there. No matter how much I try to let go all of my tears for her, the day, the trauma were too clear, vivid and deep for me. She's always my child, and I wish I could hold her till forever.

Dec 30, 2013
As New Year's Eve approaches, I feel this ineffable fear again. On the one hand, I feel happy about my New Year's Day because I'm taking an early train to visit my uncle and aunt. They mean a lot of love to me. On the other hand, I'm afraid of being alone on NYE. I don't know where I'll be going but I definitely won't stay home. At least I'll be walking on the streets watching people celebrating with their loved ones.

Jan 1, 2014
I'm on the train now. It's my first time taking the HSR to the South without Baby. I'm missing her so much. So here's the new year. I didn't hear from either Alex or Ken. Have they completely forgotten about me? I keep missing them. Somehow I've always thought some kind of miracle would take place, like the Final Page. I guess life is trying to surprise me in another way because if I already envisaged everything, it wouldn't be a surprise anymore.

The weather is great, as if I'm back in the City of Gold. I miss Alex's face next to mine. I miss our kiss when I completely melted. I miss him holding my hand or my shoulder, as if I was protected by him. I miss him spooning me and whisper some dirty words to me. I miss the time when we were kissing on the street, and when he told me that he just wanted to kiss me all night. I also miss the time when we were at the circus, I was smiling at the show like a kid and he turned to look at me a few times. I turned to look at him once with my smile. It was a moment when I felt he was falling for me.

It feels so exhilarating to be back in the South. My uncle and aunt are such warm people. I wish I could spend more time there. I feel accepted whenever I talk to them so I can be open about anything. I don't like other women in the family on the other hand. They're too insecure and judgmental, which makes me tune out automatically.

Jan 2, 2014
Last night I dropped Christine a brief happy new year message on Skype and she told me immediately that she was about to sleep. She showed no interest in sharing her life or knowing mine. She was careful about her words when we were talking who's whose best friend, but it was obvious that she doesn't want to be the bad guy. All in all, she has a boyfriend and that changes everything. She thought that I changed but in fact she's the one who's not sharing because she has her boyfriend for that already. Fuck all my friends. I need new friends.

Jan 6, 2014
I'm writing this entry at Starbucks in complete exhaustion. Yesterday was the year-end gathering at my school. At first I was excited but then I grew bored and tired of it because they are all really cheap. In the afternoon, I received a triggering text from Alex, "Hey J happy new year, wish you a great year to come." I just felt heavy all of a sudden and replied: "Thank you. I feel sad to hear from you. I've missed you." He said, "Me too." Then I gave him a tearful smiley.

On Saturday I went to the Escape Artist by myself to paint. Alex showed me this cafe before we went to the Cirque du Soleil as a secret itinerary. I felt so touched when he took me there because he remembered that I like to draw. I spent four hours at the Escape Artist working on my painting. The theme was "Encounter". I drafted several images in my mind before I got there but then I finally settled on the least abstract one. I felt so soothed as I was drawing. There were silhouettes of a boy and a girl standing across the busy street. The first was looking up hoping and the boy was looking down, feeling sad and lonely. While I was painting, I whispered several times "I miss you." I do miss Alex a lot. For the first time a guy actually remembers all these small things about me and try to make me happy. Ivan did some of those things too. So did Ken. But Ivan and I were together for a longer time and he bought me a few things and made me my favorite dish on my birthday. Ken never bought me any gifts. He just paid for all my food and drinks and provided his labor and housing. I guess every man has their own language of love.

Alex is more feminine than the other guys since his favorite color is pink and he's really good with the language. I don't like effeminate guys but somehow I just feel great about his femininity. Ken is effeminate but he's emotionally shut down. Steve is extremely effeminate that I just couldn't feel any physical attraction to him anymore because he's really too small. Cato is effeminate and he's kind of like Ken--emotionally shut down and couldn't even ejaculate.

Gosh I miss you. I don't want any worldly pursuit anymore. I just want one shot, one opportunity to be with you and make that emotional bonding with you. Just give me a chance to experience it, feel it.