Turn It Around

Jan 28, 2014

Sometimes it's interesting to take off my earphones for a while and listen to what everyone else is saying near me. For example, I'm having lunch at this shabu shabu restaurant alone right now, listening to the two girls across my table talking about their own and others' relationships. As the conversation flows, I find myself judging them at times while feeling rather content that I'm eating by myself. When girls dine together, it's absolutely inevitable that they talk about relationships but in a very masculine way. They never stop analyzing different men, but deep down they're all looking for clues for themselves to know that their men are actually OK. Those two girls were talking about abortion, ovulation, their men, video game addiction, etc. Everyone is kind of screwed up in this world. No, in fact, they're more than kind of screwed up; they're very screwed up. It's just that most people don't have the courage to acknowledge it.

Jan 30, 2014

Chinese New Year's Eve. The first thing I did this morning was crying. Menstrual cramps were painful. But my date last night made me wonder what the fuck is wrong with me.

I'm writing this entry at WB. Before coming here, I saw the latest episode of How I Met Your Mother twice in a row, and cried twice in a row. Then I was listening to Way Back Into Love and cried my eyes out. The weather continues to be amazing in the City of Rain and I decided to come here to write.

I've been doing a year-end review. I do miss Ken, and Alex. Jeffrey was taking me to a park in his town yesterday afternoon but then I bailed out. Somehow I just felt very scared to go on his car and let him take me. He seems to be nicer and more into me than any other guys, but I just felt scared, as if he's kind of creepy. I canceled our date, lying to him that I had a cold, although I did feel weak. Then I felt guilty and confused after I had dinner and occasional arguments with my dad again, so I decided to ask Jeffrey to come out to WB with me. He said it's too far for him so we went to the Jade Lake instead.

He picked me up and we spent about 3 hours together. Sometimes I let him hold my hand, hug me, and I even let him kiss my head, but other times I kept pulling away. When we were sitting by the lake and watching the stars, I told him that he has everything I want in a man but somehow I'm not attracted to him. He thought I was only talking about his qualities on paper--education, home owner, car owner, etc. But in fact, the most important thing is that he seems to really like me and treats me like a gentleman. He said he's connected to me but he doesn't like me a lot yet. I don't know the difference between the two. He said he likes me because I feel different, and there's a huge wall I'm putting up against him, and there is because somehow I feel so scared to share my feelings with him. I've been sharing my true self with so many men and yet, there's this guy who's not intimidating at all, and he makes me shut down.

When we were about to leave, he went to the bathroom and I was gazing at the stars, blaming my instincts for working against myself, and then I cried. He came out and hugged me from behind, kissed my head a few times. After a few seconds I shut down again. I now realize that if I'm praying for a miracle, it should be me being able to fall madly in love with the right person for me.

Today, right now

As I am watching the fireworks in the Buddha Hill from my apartment window, I am wondering what would happen if I could turn around the night at the Red Room. If I had just assumed that Andrew must have been bashing me to Alex, I would despise Alex and not respond to him at all. If I never convinced myself that maybe awkward guys might be the right ones for me, I would have never talked to Alex, or even looked at him, because I thought he was awkward and was unable to handle big situations like I could the very first moment I met him. But I changed my judgment. I didn't judge him and somehow became attracted to his awkwardness. I intentionally removed my defense but it invited him to hurt me. Is keeping an open heart a good thing or bad thing?

I just hope that Jeffrey can stick with me and give me more time to open myself up to him.