Across the Ocean

The weather has been incredible these couple of days, about the comfortable 70 sunny degrees, so I decided to bus to the north coast and watch the ocean by myself.

When I was in high school, I used to have this superstitious habit to decide how my day was going to turn out to be within the first couple of hours after I woke up. I looked for signs. For example, if I felt grumpy, and the timing of all traffic lights was poorly coordinated, or I happened to have to be stopped by all red lights on my way to school, it would be a crappy day.

It was a pretty accurate indicator, although sometimes I was able to find lucky clues to change the luck of the day, sort of intentionally changing my thought and hence the vibes. Of course back then I didn't know that well about the universe and luck. As I started college, I became an atheist and completely forgot about this stupid six sense. But now I'm getting it again.

For example, the past Friday was an unlucky day. I got up earlier than usual but I arrived at work almost four minutes late, because I couldn't get a cab on the street. But before that, as soon as I woke up, I saw a text message from Alex. He told me he was in the City of Angels. I replied, "Somehow I felt that." He never replied again. I felt so heavy and sad again. Maybe he's marrying his gf after all. Maybe he realizes I am just a slut who means nothing to him. I cried, and I was probably late because of this. So I couldn't get a cab. I had to take the bus, and I missed the first bus, and the second bus made me detour one more stop on the subway. Hence I was late. I almost cried on my way to work because I freaked out. I had never been late to a class, because so many people were waiting for me, not just one or two, so it's not allowed. Fortunately nothing serious happened but I just continued to feel terrible on Friday, and the sense of guilt didn't go away until today.

Today, however, was a lucky day. All the lucky signs were there. The elevator arrived quickly; as soon as I stepped out of my building, an available cab showed up in front of me. Then I got on the subway smoothly without any delays. After I got to work, I had so much fun with my students and one of them even gave me a farewell gift; it was apple tea powder he got when he attended a conference in Turkey.

After work, I went to get lunch, and hopped on the train for the coast. As soon as I arrived at the platform, the train was right there. I didn't have to wait at all. Then I bused to the coast after getting off the train. It was a beautiful ride because I finally got to see some ocean. I haven't seen the ocean for almost a year, and the ocean is such an important part of my life, especially after having lived in the City of Gold right on one of the piers.

I felt the warm sun, I breathed in the salty air. I felt so soothed. Alex didn't come through my mind at all. Nothing sad came to my mind. I felt pure comfort. Unfortunately the park I went to was currently under protection so I couldn't hang out in the water. I wish I could put my feet in the water and just feel the Mother Nature, the ocean, the universe's tears.

Hold me, hold me tight, and never let me go. Tell me I'm a lovable person. I don't know if I'm a lovable person because my parents have never said anything like that to me. Ivan said it but he left me. All the guys who have said it have left me. I don't know if what they said was true. All my friends are gone. They will never be able to care for me again because they only care about their gf/bf. It's over. My life starts from ground zero again.

It's so hard to keep believing if I've never seen or heard one. Last night I thought maybe I am just a prime number. I can't be compatible with any other numbers, which is also why my friends, family, and lovers are all fading away. But tonight I thought, if I find another prime number, we would definitely become an even number, and this number will also be many other things, such as the multiplication of several factors. If I'm a lucky seven, and he's a seventeen, then we're a 24, but at the same time, we are still that lucky seven derivative. If I'm a 31, and Ken is a 71, we are a powerful 102 = 2x3x17. We can be so many things.