A long dream

Yesterday I had a really long dream. I slept for 12 hours straight and couldn't wake up because of continuous dreaming. It was a nightmare. I was trying to hard to wake up and open my eyes but I couldn't. I saw a lot of men I had been with in my dream. I was either waiting for them impatiently, or chasing them, or being suffocated by them. Finally I woke up at almost noon exhausted, and I told myself never to think about any man again.

Last night before I fell asleep I imagined a conversation with X. It went like this:

J: Are you here?

X: Yes, I'm always here.

J: Then why don't you show up? I want a hug from you so much.

X: I can't show up yet. You won't like me in this present moment.

J: If you're really here, can you tell me where I have been today?

X: Sure. You went to IKEA for dinner today. I was watching you.

J: But why didn't you come to talk to me? I was eating alone the whole time and as always nobody talked to me.

X: Like I said, I can't show up yet. But I intentionally forbade other guys to talk to you too. That's selfish of me. I know.

J: If you truly care about me, could you stop making me feel so lonely?

...... 

When we one day meet in person...

J: You are everything I've ever wanted in a man.

X: And you're everything I've ever wanted in a woman.

J: But I am scared.

X: Why?

J: You say that because I am beautiful, intelligent, kind, and successful in everything I do. But I have never been successful in love. The truth is I'm a very lonely person. At the beginning I need a lot of attention and care in order to feel secure and then I can put my heart in your hands. I won't be able to do that before knowing I have your heart first. I don't think a man like you likes a woman like that.

X: In fact I love a woman just like that.

And then I fell asleep.

A couple of days ago I was catching up with Caesar. His life is such a mess right now that we rarely talk to each other now. He said he cared about me but I just couldn't feel it. How is it possible for someone to care about me if he only talks to me once every three months and is consumed by the struggle of basic survival? He said he'd visit me once he had the money but I just don't think he would when he had the money because we either wouldn't be talking to each other by then or would have met someone else by then. From time to time I think about just being with him virtually. We have never seen each other in person so I'm afraid if we don't have chemistry in person and then all the energy and time would be wasted. He doesn't even have money to buy a webcam although he did just buy a smartphone recently. Our every conversation turned into an argument. For all my biggest questions, he could only tell me he didn't know whereas I always had an answer. I want to be the one who always says I don't know while the guy figures things out. I'm done figuring out everything for a man.

I felt angry every time when I talked to Caesar. The pain of not being able to see him in person and feel him physically, or not even being able to see his facial expressions when he talked was too much. The progress he's making for his life is too slow. He's just applying for a PhD and god knows how long it'd take him to get into a program with fellowship, to finish the program, and to get a tenured job. I gave up my plan for a PhD four years ago in order to start making money soon and start a family soon. I shouldn't get stuck with a man younger than me who's planning on what I gave up four years ago. It would not work.