A letter to you

Dear X,

I'm writing you because I can no longer hang in there. I've been feeling so much pain in my left chest. My heart is so broken that I don't know if I alone can make it stop hurting one day. Where are you?

I crave to be in your arms. I need you here right now. I am a very nice warm-hearted girl who just can't get what she wants. I've been praying for your existence since I was a child. When I was a child, I imagined that you would come to my rescue in a helicopter. You'd fly over my head and grab me on the bridge. And we'd live happily ever after.

But this time I'm really in despair. I'm beginning to doubt your existence. I'm wondering why you would let me be so lonely and scared if you truly love me. Why would you let me be alone for such a long time and let me suffer all the bad times by myself? Are you really there for me or do you really love me?

Are you on your way to find me? Or would you like me to find you? I feel so tired trying to find you now. I waited and waited and completed one goal after another in order to fly all over the world to meet you, but you never showed up. I patiently waited for years so I could move myself from one place to another to meet you somewhere I thought you might be. But you weren't there. Now it's your turn. I want you to come find me. I'll be waiting right here, right now.

I can't stand being alone for another day. I want you to be here with me. We'll be there for each other. I might not be sweet all the time because I'm highly sensitive and emotional. I get triggered by small things easily, but I do feel happy easily too. If you show up and give me a smile, I might feel happy all day long. If you cook me something simple just because you care about me, I feel happy too. I might even cry just knowing that you want to make me happy. Then you'd kiss me on my cheeks with my tears rolling down. You might even ask, "why do you cry so much?"

You know I can love unconditionally if you do that to me too. I'm very caring and I can take care of you. I can make you lunch bags every day and shower you with my love. But before I do all that, I want you to please stop hiding and just be here with me. Please never leave me alone again. My world is scary. I want to be with you so I can be more courageous and continue to live my life. Knowing that you're there I can fight fearlessly. Only knowing you're there I can build an even better life. I can provide you with the same power and be there for you while you fight for us.

I'm on my way to work now. Please give me a sign and give me strength so I can continue to know you're there looking for me. Drop me a flower, give me a phone call, or just show up. I really need this to know you're there. Please don't blame me for being childish and weak.

I love you,

J