Again

"Among millions of people you meet whom you meet; in millions of years, the infinite prairie of time, not a step early nor a step late, just in time, having nothing else to say, you only ask softly, 'oh, you're here too?'"

Recently I met another guy online. He's almost two months younger than me, slightly shorter than me, but seemed to care a lot about me. On Wednesday night, he worked really late but was in a suit and wanted to meet me in person in a suit. At the beginning I felt hesitant because I wanted to meet at a proper date rather than a 24-hour convenience store in my neighborhood. But then I thought about it and figured we should just meet each other in person as soon as possible before all the constant texting went to waste. So I said yes. We met at the convenience store and he bought me a soda. I was feeling nervous and so was he. But I was feeling happy talking to him, even though he was quite short and dorky.

Because there were drunk people at the convenience store and I didn't like the noise and other people around, I offered him to come to the roof garden at my condo building. It was dark, quiet, and we were alone in the skyline of high rise buildings. As we continued to talk, I told him I was blushing so much that all my blood flow was racing through my head and I was sweating already. He said he was going to do something that'd make me blush more and then he kissed me. It was the first time that I kissed someone who was shorter than me and of my own ethnicity on a first date. When I kissed back, I let go all of the uncertainty I had about him and just accepted him completely. I do this every time when I kiss a man. I can never kiss casually.

Then we made out, in the roof garden and then back in my apartment. I didn't want to take him back to my apartment but he lied and told me he was going to use my bathroom. But he didn't spend the night here.

The next day the amount of messages significantly decreased. Just like every other time. On Friday I messaged him and told him that I felt very sad about my love life situation. Then he offered his company and came to my place. He brought a movie and in the middle of it he started to kiss me again. Then we just made out for a few hours. I liked those things we did in bed. We talked about a lot of things from our past. We kissed passionately, a lot. At that moment and in the morning followed, I felt secure. I felt like I could trust him and he felt the same way about me.

Today I had another unimpressive blind date in the afternoon. Some time after my brunch DK texted me again. I initiated a conversation about us. I wanted to know if he liked me and all that. He just wasn't sure. Then I cried my eyes out for hours as I got home. Eventually I told him we should stop talking to each other until he knows what to do with me. He knows that I'll say yes if he asks me out on a proper date as he mentioned before, like a dinner date, movie, or a long stroll along the river. If I never hear from him again, I know life has taken another thing I like away from me again.

All I want is someone who can hold me tight when I cry. Is this that difficult? How do I keep up my faith?