New Birth

My cousin Love just gave birth to a baby girl last weekend. I feel happy for her and her husband but at the same time I feel very sad for myself. I am so far away from what they have. In fact I don't even know where I'm going. There are no dates in my life at the moment who would like to see me again, even though I go on two different dates almost every week. Is there something wrong with me? I know I shouldn't be doubting myself but I can't help it.

What was dramatic was that Ken went to visit Love at the hospital and I happened to be there too. He went to visit her with the cute girl he dated a few times before and got me so jealous in the City of Gold and made me tell him honestly about my feelings for him. I couldn't believe my eyes that they showed up together at the hospital to visit my cousin. The girl is dating some other guy but I still felt extremely sad, heavy, angry, jealous, and pain. I don't like Ken anymore. He's caused me too much pain.

This afternoon I went to see Before Midnight with Mark. I paid for the movie this time because I asked him out and he sprained his ankle very badly a while ago. I cried my eyes out during the movie while everyone was laughing about Jesse and Celine's fight all the time. The movie brought up so many feelings from the very beginning to the end. I can't believe they didn't get married and have a wedding. The unconditional love Jesse gives to her is so powerful. I want to have that in my life.

Another big move in my life is that I'm moving to my own place next week. Last Sunday I had a wonderful date and after I got home my mom was bitching me about my dress and made me feel like a slut. I got so angry and checked in at a hotel in the middle of the night. The next day I found an apartment in a high rise building and I can finally have my own place and decorate it the way I want to.

The future still feels so scary. I feel so secure and warm every time when I hang out with Mark. Why does he have to go? I really just want to be with one man in my life. Going on dates just makes me sad no matter what. When a date goes really well but then he doesn't call again I just feel so sad; if the date doesn't go well I still feel sad for days too. Mark was the only guy who continued to ask me out and made me feel secure and yet the universe has to take him away from me. I FEEL SO ANGRY.