Realize.

Being back home keeps me away from nonstop thinking on my own. I mean, there are always people around me and things that keep me busy so I don't have time for depressing thoughts.

It's been more than 2 years since Ivan broke up with me. In other words, I have been single for more than 2 years now. I wasn't even able to stay up till midnight on New Year's Eve; I'm convinced that New Year's countdown is pointless unless there's something romantic you can do with a partner otherwise it's just another holiday.

Over the past couple of days one of my aunts Monica talked to me a lot about relationships and career stuff. She's actually much better than my therapist. She reminded me how I should be pursued by men and take things slow without opening up too much; she also made me wonder whether my romantic partner should be my best friend. According to her my boyfriend or husband is a lover rather than a best friend. Originally I assumed both roles in a husband/boyfriend but now I am just really confused.

I have been thinking how I was opening up too fast when I was dating Cato. First of all, he's unlike other guys I've been with that he is younger than me and comes from a less intact family and I just assumed it's OK for me to take a more caring role in this relationship. It turned out Cato is a creature with a penis after all and desires women that he can't get. Secondly I still blamed myself a lot for the breakup with Ivan because he did so many things for me and pampered me like a princess; I felt that my bad temper and self-centeredness in that relationship ruined everything and therefore I further let go of my ego and did not care anything about playing "the game".

Since being back home I feel I'm blessed. There are still people caring for me and giving me that helping hand. None of my friends, even close friends in the City of Power makes me feel this way.

Ken also gave me a call and we're going to hang out soon. I bought him really amazing coffee in the City of Money and I need to catch up with him for insights in the industry.