Best friend or not?

A couple of nights ago I went to a barbeque party with Ken and his friends. I had fun and some strong alcohol. After that I didn't sleep quite well and dreamed about Ivan.

It was the first time over the past year that I dreamed about Ivan. I didn't look at and own any picture with him in it yet in the dream his face was so close and clear to me. I can't remember what happened in the dream though.

Ivan was my best friend for sure, and it's been extremely difficult to find someone like him in my life. I also worked a lot for him to become both my boyfriend and best friend; I cried a lot and felt insecure for months. Eventually the relationship became what it's like in movies; he surprised me on V-day and my birthday and he felt my pain when I was suffering. We did everything together, literally everything. I felt lucky every day and was convinced that there was no one else in the world that would treat me better than he did to me. That's why after the breakup, after he told me that I changed him into something he was not, it has been too hard for me to heal and the only thing I could do was to purge all the memories. There was one time I told Tanner that I had never dated anyone whose name begins with an "I"; I really could not recall Ivan at that moment and I recalled all my other exes, including dates.

But these are all things without an answer. I can never know why Ivan changed and what I did wrong. He doesn't want to stay in contact with me even in the most superficial way, i.e. Facebook. He wouldn't know if I died and vice versa. Maybe he's happily married with kids now while I am still in the eternal chaos of emotions and confusing thoughts.

This blog is filled with so many weird thoughts and no one is reading. I guess blogosphere today is shrinking in size?