Nothing happened.

Tonight I spent 70 bucks on an extremely fancy dinner. In the morning I had an amazing coffee at a really low-key cafe and the girl who did the art work on the coffee was really warm and talented. Before I had the coffee some man complimented my shearling boots and we talked briefly on the train about fashion. After the coffee I went shopping again. So far I've spent hundreds on gifts for my family and friends and none for myself; I received no gifts for Christmas either. Again, today was another silent day, no phone calls or text messages, not even a thank you from a guy friend whom I texted during dinner because his birthday happened to be Christmas Eve. At the restaurant there were two birthday people present and the who restaurant chanted for them; so did I.

I saw a lot of things and people today but talked to really no one. The only people who wished me merry Christmas are the people I paid to. On the other hand I'm quite grateful for the fact that there are people who are so driven by money and willing to work on Christmas so lonely people like me can be entertained on this holiday.

After dinner, I went to the magnificent giant Christmas tree again. I found a less cold corner and watched the tree, waiting for a miracle. Then it got really cold and I was tired in my heels. I gave up waiting and took a cab back to my hotel.

Nothing really happened. There's no miracle, of course. Not even a text message or G-chat message wishing me a merry Christmas. This is my karma for trusting and caring again.

After tonight I feel no drive left. I've given up. I dressed up for a fancy dinner for no one other than myself. Yes I did enjoy the food and service and at one point I felt nice to be alone because if Cato was there we wouldn't be having all the great food because he's a vegetarian. On the other hand, it was a unique phenomenon that someone would actually go to such an upscale restaurant in designer outfit to have dinner alone on a Christmas Eve. It feels much better to expect nothing and spend the holidays as nothing rather than hoping for something romantic and the worst thing happens. I'm tired and sad.