Write the pain.

Cato just broke up with me. You know what, maybe it wasn't even "breaking up" for him because he said "we should stop hooking up and all that stuff." He didn't even say we should stop "dating." The reasons include that he felt he could not give me the commitment that I was hoping for, his own insecurity, and nothing to do with me. The guy that made me believe in love again just dumped me and I was at most a fling to him. How is it not my problem?

All our interesting conversations about love, life, and the miscellaneous were bullshit. None of those was true. Love does not exist. It will never happen to me, even though this time I already tried my best to give and enjoy giving rather than investing. I tried my best to walk in his shoes and did not initiate a lot of phone calls or texts etc. I still failed.

I saw images. I already planned my vacation in the City of Money for Christmas. I ordered his Christmas gift 2 weeks ago and formulated the sentences I was going to write in the Christmas card to him for almost a month and finally wrote down the words in the card 2 days ago. I wrote:

Dear Big Crab,
Thank you for making this winter warmer for me, and no, like most Americans I do not believe it's because of global warming. I hope this high-tech backpack will reduce the stress on your shoulders so next time when you talk to me you can keep your hands off the straps.

The letter has a lot of metaphors. Because I already know he's an insecure person who is trying too hard to impress and I noticed a lot of body language in him that simply shows defense, one of which is that he tends to put his hands on his backpack straps covering his chest when he talks to people, even when talking to me. One possibility is that his backpack is heavy and another is he's insecure or both. I also noticed that his backpack was falling apart so I decided to buy him a fancy high-tech backpack that is designed not to carry too many things and reduce stress.

I also saw myself standing in front of the magnificent Christmas tree in the City of Money on Christmas Day, wearing the red Vera Wang dress I just bought and holding the gift in a beautiful package in my hands, waiting for him under the tree. I would give him that gift along with the card under that tree. Then he would kiss me and say those three words to me after reading the card, and then I'd lose my virginity to him. He'd hang out with me while I'm there and introduce me to his family and friends and we'd count down together to the New Year.

None of those is going to happen now. I tore down the card in front of him, printed the return label for the backpack, fortunately the wrapping materials are unopened yet so I can return them as well. I now see myself standing in front of that gorgeous magnificent monstrous Christmas tree on Christmas Eve alone, still in that elegant red Vera Wang dress, watching that tree and shed tears. Originally I planned a 2-week trip to the City of Money now I'm just going to spend the Christmas there for 3 days and then come back to my cozy apartment in the City of Power. On those cold snowy days I think solitude feels cozy.

It's so hard to be pursued again. I would never forget Richard's pursuit. Although we only had one week together but I didn't really feel insecure, or have the time to feel insecure. He was the first person in my life to said those three words to me, even though we were together for only a week. I want that to happen to me again. I want someone to be certain about me again. I want someone who is confident that he deserves my virginity. I want someone who can be my best friend. I want someone is able to understand where I come from and be tolerant every time when I feel insecure. I want someone who's so into me that wants to spend every second with me and no one else. I want someone with whom I can travel, get married, have 5 kids and 2 dogs, and die together 80 years later.

Is that too much to ask of? Is it possible? Maybe I should stop being hopelessly romantic and begin using the checklist method, i.e. listing all the qualities in the man and stick with it. In the past I have been too idealistic and never cared about what the guy should have; all I care about is the connection and then fall for him. I guess if love never existed in the world in the first place, my strategy was completely wrong because it leads to only sex. Cato was nothing like the type of guy I am typically attracted to. He's only a bit taller than me, doesn't make a lot of money, extremely smart but too self-conscious, not good looking, not that humorous or hilarious, but even so I still gave him all the best compliments about how he looks and performs. I still chose to have faith in him and gave him all the support I have. I did the same with Ivan; he had nothing on my typical attraction list but I still gave so much until I had absolutely nothing left.

Winters are meant to be quiet. Solitude is usual. No family, no friends, not even Baby for holidays. I miss my dog Baby so much.

Writing is my best friend even if no one really reads. It gives me an illusion that someone is actually listening to me as I speak these words in my mind. My mind runs too fast and it's good to be able to capture some thoughts through words from time to time.