Does it hurt you to see me cry?

Today I went to refund the stuff I bought for Cato and saw a small crowd of people standing in from the Hallmark Christmas cards section. I went up and checked out the cards they had for "love" and came across this one. I snapped a picture of the card with my phone and upon reading I cried again. What's ironic is that people working at Hallmark that wrote these greetings do not even believe in love. Didn't we all see the movie 500 Days of Summer?

I'm suffering from pretty bad depression again. I didn't do anything except for sleep, lunch with Tanner, and a visit to my therapist. After my session I went back home to sleep more as if it is the only way to escape from the reality. But my work is piling up and I really need to get things done before Christmas.

The trigger to the whole thing started on Sunday, when Cato, Boss (a good friend of mine) and I were working in the office. I got hungry in the evening and asked Cato if he'd like me to bring something back for him to the office. He said he wasn't hungry so I called Boss. Boss told me that he just left the office and was already having food and asked me why I didn't ask my boyfriend. I said he wasn't hungry and was very busy and Boss replied, "if it was my girlfriend I'd still go with her just to keep her company." I asked again, "even if you're not hungry and super busy?" He said "yes." Then I replied, "I guess every guy is different and besides you and your girlfriend have been together for a longer time." He continued, "but the beginning is the honeymoon period." After I got food I went to say hi to Cato and he was chatting with other girls on G-chat again. After I returned to my seat I asked him on G-chat why he was always talking to that girl and barely to me and I also told him the whole conversation I had with Boss.

Last night he told me that what I told him seemed entirely reasonable but he just felt he couldn't do that with me. He said there was something unknown inside of him that is stopping him from developing further emotional attachment to me. He felt that those insignificant attachment to other people is more important than this significant attachment to me; in other words, he'd rather hang out with lots of others having insignificant friendships than hang out with me all the time.

In short, I am just not a desirable company to him. I am someone that people don't really want to spend time with.

I think I have cried too much, more than the sum for the past two years. I really want to end my life right here if I didn't own a bunch to my family. There is no hope in life, no light, no warmth. If I died right here right now, not many people would find out about it and none of those men I dated would even care. My funeral would be the only time in my life when people would actually praise me and speak about my values and goodness. While I'm alive I'm just a valueless undesirable scum. This is also something against the theory of evolution--we live, in fact, to die.

When will this happen to me? If love does not exist, why do people write about it, make movies about it, take pictures about it, or talk about it? It means it has to be there in people's mind so there are blockbusters and bestsellers. If it does exist then why can't I have it in real life?

One mistake I made last night was that I cried in front of Cato. I hated that. I am such a weak person. What hurts more is to know that he probably doesn't feel anything to see me cry. None of them felt anything when seeing me cry, as if I am the most retarded loser in the world. The last time I saw Ivan at the airport I did not cry because I had superb faith that our love would last through long distance and we would be back together soon, although I cried as soon as I boarded the plane. I really don't think I have enough strength this time to fight against this heartbreak.