Glad to be alive.

The past few days I was suffering from really serious depression. This time was way worse than before. I was asleep for more than 15 hours per day and while I was awake my mind could not function at all. I could stare at a sentence yet was unable to read a single word for an hour. I could barely eat. I tried to walk a block to Whole Foods and on my way back I saw the intersection where Cato kissed me in public; my legs went weak and I simply just couldn't move anymore, as if there was no energy left for me to survive.

Yesterday morning my family told me to book a plane ticket home for the holidays and I did. My parents have no clue of what is going on with me but my brother does. It's better for me to be home, with my family rather than be by myself all the time. The City of Power could be fatal because none of my friends is in town. This drama is kind of similar to what happened to me 3 years ago, when Ivan first broke up with me and I got really depressed too and booked a plane ticket home for Christmas. The only difference this time is that I will be flying business class.

I've been feeling better since I booked the ticket home. Now I'm much more motivated to get my work done before Christmas. I also booked myself an extremely fancy Christmas Eve dinner in the City of Money; although the receptionist was surprised that I'll be having Christmas Eve dinner alone but she still accepted my reservation. I am now also excited about things I need to buy in the City of Money for my family.

I was chatting with Ian today and told him those really depressing thoughts I had over the past few days. Those thoughts were actually very scary that I don't want to repeat them ever again. I could feel he actually cares about me. In fact there are more people who care about me than I know. I need to be strong, like Cato's favorite Icelandic song (and now also my favorite) says, "I got my nose bleed but I always stand up." Ian told me to stop working and watch some movie instead and I did. I watched Stardust again and I feel hope again. I also need to forget about Ivan and the entire relationship; I think the fact that I kept comparing things with that relationship was very destructive.

I don't know what will happen to me in the City of Money but I know it will surprise me, be it snowy or not. Those Christmas trees on the avenues will be gorgeous and I will still go make my wish in front of that magnificent giant Christmas tree with thousands of lights. Perhaps I will even receive a Christmas gift even though I didn't really give out any. I love my life and I love myself. I deserve a big warm hug from behind in front of that Christmas tree.