Speechless

Blah. No one really reads this blog except for myself; it seems like everyone has a Blogspot and no one really cares to read others' anymore. But anyway, I'll write a little more.

My good friend Greg was chatting with me on Facebook today. He is probably going through a peaceful breakup with his girlfriend whom he actually was madly in love with. His breakup is very mature, peaceful, and rational, unlike any of my breakups. Somehow our discussion diverted to my love issues and I told him that I have concluded that I am not lovable. He didn't like the way I put it but also claimed that I must make it difficult for men to love me and that I did not "give love"; he said there is a difference between "to love" and "to give love" and he thought I failed to do the latter. He said the job is onto me to find the reason(s) why it is difficult for men to love me; I also try to find out, but no one is willing to tell me, and I really have no time and energy left to find the cause, so I sum up: I have a damaged personality and it is MY problem that none of the men I have been with loved me so I am not lovable. Simple as that. Greg got silent, so did I.

I've spent most of my life imagining, thinking, reading and writing about relationships, and I find it quite pathetic that I am still doing it today. Even when I was in kindergarten, I drew comics about relationships. I used to be unbelievably optimistic and romantic before Richard. After getting burned, I gradually become callous and eventually, now, completely pessimistic about any relationship. All the men I have been with after Richard were merely reassurance of the fact that love does not exist and relationships suck. (If Greg sees this he'll probably stop talking to me...Haha.) For example, when Ivan and I fairwelled at the Newark Airport, he told me not to worry; he said he was crazy and if he missed me too much he would hop on a plane to see me. It turned out that he never missed me that much and was cheating on me with D all the time.

But you know what, I have managed to find a way to feel indifferent to Ivan and D's relationship. Because Richard is single. I want to be single while Richard is single. Richard is very distant from my life. Everytime when I read his blogs and Facebook updates, I am always puzzled by how we came across each other in the expansive prairie of time and space. There are times when I feel I am remotely barely good enough for him because he is so smart and charming and I am probably just one of his fans to him; most of the time I despise him for being an apathetic hypocrite who says and does things only for the purpose of network extension rather than for true friendship. I have this habit of virtually/mentally resorting to Richard after every breakup because he makes it easier for me to find other men trivial so that I can get over every breakup more quickly.

Although I am completely pessimistic about it, I have a feeling that he and I will meet up again soon. I don't know why I have this feeling, but today he told me that he wants to find a job in my hometown (although I am moving to the City of Power soon). We frequently miss out one another (at least 3 times so far). I often wonder what I will do to him if we actually see each other again. I want to slap him, scream at him, cry in front of him, and tell him how miserable he made my love life and how much stronger I am than he is. I gave the most beautiful time of my life and my 20-year-old brave, adventurous heart to him.

I've been listening to this song today: Some men may follow me; you choose any girl but me; why you so speechless?

An Item

Last night I was in a lot of pain--emotional pain that led to physical pain. I found out that Ivan listed himself with D as an "item" on Facebook long ago, maybe even before he went back to his hometown from the City of Extremity, and he also claimed that he has not yet met up with D since he went back because D lives on the other side of the state. (In fact I didn't really "find out" because he blocked me on Facebook long ago; I just said it by intuition and he admitted it.) It hurt me so much because it took him at least 5 months to be willing to list us as an item on Facebook.

I don't love him. But what hurts the most is to know that he never loved me. I thought among so many guys I have been with, he was the only one who actually loved me, but I was wrong. Then, I can now conclude that out of so many guys I have been with, no one really loved me. What is my problem? Why can't I make someone love me?

I try to think and think, but I just don't have a solid clue. I believe I have already pondered over this issue multiple times elsewhere in this blog. Is it because they all think I am tough so I can't be hurt? Forget it, I will never find out unless they personally tell me the truth, yet none of them has ever told me the truth about why they couldn't be with me.

I was discussing this issue with Tony today, and I said that the checklist I set for a guy is very simple:
1) He can't be dumber than me.
2) He can't be shorter than me.
3) His BMI can't be larger than mine.
4) He can't be less ambitious than me (career-wise).
5) He can't be uglier than me.

His opinion is that this is a very difficult checklist but according to my past experience, most guys don't have everything on the list. For example, Ivan has only 1 thing on the list; Richard has 3; Jes probably has all 5.

If the cost for getting a hug when you're down is so high, I should not invest in it. My dog Baby is so loyal to me yet I am moving around all the time. I believe she is suffering from the pain that I am suffering. That is so unfair to her so I will devote more to her from now on. The comfort, the hugs, the kisses, the salutes, and those body expressions and communications between me and Baby are all real and honest. No lies, no lies. A man should not be a woman's best companion for a lifetime; a dog is.

Power

I haven't written or taken pictures for a while. It's mostly because there is a new light to my career and life is getting busy now. I am moving to the City of Power, going to my dream place, away from the rain. The mixed feelings of excitement, anxiety, hope, paranoia, and uncertainty are occupying me, but I feel good in general.

A lot to update about my love life, or nothing to update. It feels pretty good to be asexual; I have much less pressure now as long as I don't hold any feelings toward any men. But guess what? A few of my exes suddenly popped into my life again, and one of them is someone I have not spoken/emailed to for at least 3 years. However, of course, I have no feelings for them at all. There were a few moments when I wonder what it would feel like if I started to have those infatuations and flirty stuff with them, but I could always manage to quickly jump out of those fantasies and feel apathetic and asexual again.

I shall thank these people for ruining my decade-long fantasies about romance and showing me what human beings really are. Thank you for making me so jaded, pessimistic about love, and stop watching romantic comedies. My current career plan is to pursue as much power and money as possible for the rest of my life. If I happen not to have kids before my menopause, then I will just have a few more puppies. Sigh. There are so many dreams in life and I have the ability to pursue only one of them, and I choose my career because it constantly rewards me, and I am good at it.

Last note, Ivan has disappeared from any forms of contact with me. He is back to his hometown. That's all I know. Maybe he's busy f*cking some chicks, or maybe he's getting married. I should stop thinking. They're all dead to me.