Speechless

Blah. No one really reads this blog except for myself; it seems like everyone has a Blogspot and no one really cares to read others' anymore. But anyway, I'll write a little more.

My good friend Greg was chatting with me on Facebook today. He is probably going through a peaceful breakup with his girlfriend whom he actually was madly in love with. His breakup is very mature, peaceful, and rational, unlike any of my breakups. Somehow our discussion diverted to my love issues and I told him that I have concluded that I am not lovable. He didn't like the way I put it but also claimed that I must make it difficult for men to love me and that I did not "give love"; he said there is a difference between "to love" and "to give love" and he thought I failed to do the latter. He said the job is onto me to find the reason(s) why it is difficult for men to love me; I also try to find out, but no one is willing to tell me, and I really have no time and energy left to find the cause, so I sum up: I have a damaged personality and it is MY problem that none of the men I have been with loved me so I am not lovable. Simple as that. Greg got silent, so did I.

I've spent most of my life imagining, thinking, reading and writing about relationships, and I find it quite pathetic that I am still doing it today. Even when I was in kindergarten, I drew comics about relationships. I used to be unbelievably optimistic and romantic before Richard. After getting burned, I gradually become callous and eventually, now, completely pessimistic about any relationship. All the men I have been with after Richard were merely reassurance of the fact that love does not exist and relationships suck. (If Greg sees this he'll probably stop talking to me...Haha.) For example, when Ivan and I fairwelled at the Newark Airport, he told me not to worry; he said he was crazy and if he missed me too much he would hop on a plane to see me. It turned out that he never missed me that much and was cheating on me with D all the time.

But you know what, I have managed to find a way to feel indifferent to Ivan and D's relationship. Because Richard is single. I want to be single while Richard is single. Richard is very distant from my life. Everytime when I read his blogs and Facebook updates, I am always puzzled by how we came across each other in the expansive prairie of time and space. There are times when I feel I am remotely barely good enough for him because he is so smart and charming and I am probably just one of his fans to him; most of the time I despise him for being an apathetic hypocrite who says and does things only for the purpose of network extension rather than for true friendship. I have this habit of virtually/mentally resorting to Richard after every breakup because he makes it easier for me to find other men trivial so that I can get over every breakup more quickly.

Although I am completely pessimistic about it, I have a feeling that he and I will meet up again soon. I don't know why I have this feeling, but today he told me that he wants to find a job in my hometown (although I am moving to the City of Power soon). We frequently miss out one another (at least 3 times so far). I often wonder what I will do to him if we actually see each other again. I want to slap him, scream at him, cry in front of him, and tell him how miserable he made my love life and how much stronger I am than he is. I gave the most beautiful time of my life and my 20-year-old brave, adventurous heart to him.

I've been listening to this song today: Some men may follow me; you choose any girl but me; why you so speechless?