An Item

Last night I was in a lot of pain--emotional pain that led to physical pain. I found out that Ivan listed himself with D as an "item" on Facebook long ago, maybe even before he went back to his hometown from the City of Extremity, and he also claimed that he has not yet met up with D since he went back because D lives on the other side of the state. (In fact I didn't really "find out" because he blocked me on Facebook long ago; I just said it by intuition and he admitted it.) It hurt me so much because it took him at least 5 months to be willing to list us as an item on Facebook.

I don't love him. But what hurts the most is to know that he never loved me. I thought among so many guys I have been with, he was the only one who actually loved me, but I was wrong. Then, I can now conclude that out of so many guys I have been with, no one really loved me. What is my problem? Why can't I make someone love me?

I try to think and think, but I just don't have a solid clue. I believe I have already pondered over this issue multiple times elsewhere in this blog. Is it because they all think I am tough so I can't be hurt? Forget it, I will never find out unless they personally tell me the truth, yet none of them has ever told me the truth about why they couldn't be with me.

I was discussing this issue with Tony today, and I said that the checklist I set for a guy is very simple:
1) He can't be dumber than me.
2) He can't be shorter than me.
3) His BMI can't be larger than mine.
4) He can't be less ambitious than me (career-wise).
5) He can't be uglier than me.

His opinion is that this is a very difficult checklist but according to my past experience, most guys don't have everything on the list. For example, Ivan has only 1 thing on the list; Richard has 3; Jes probably has all 5.

If the cost for getting a hug when you're down is so high, I should not invest in it. My dog Baby is so loyal to me yet I am moving around all the time. I believe she is suffering from the pain that I am suffering. That is so unfair to her so I will devote more to her from now on. The comfort, the hugs, the kisses, the salutes, and those body expressions and communications between me and Baby are all real and honest. No lies, no lies. A man should not be a woman's best companion for a lifetime; a dog is.