A (sur)real dream?

Last night I had a dream that felt so real but I know very well wasn’t.

I saw myself working at my alma mater, doing something similar to my current job. It was a busy day and I was bustling around nonstop. 

And finally, I finished work after 6pm and got delayed by a few more students for random chit chats and left work at maybe 8pm.

I wasn’t sure if I was driving myself home or I was walking, but Ken showed up on the street and insisted on giving me a ride home.

However, my “home” wasn’t my current home; it was the home I had grown up in. During the ride, I told him excitedly that I bought a car, and he acted as if he knew very well which car I got, although I still gave him a hint that it was an American car and wanted him to guess the model. He asked me why I got such a big car, and I said “I have two kids. I need a big car to ride them. Well, my second baby is still in my belly.”

He didn’t look as good as 8 years ago though; he seemed older and fatter. He turned around and asked me, “if I came to your workplace a bit earlier or later, I could have missed picking you up.”

I said, “it’s serendipity. If you’re meant to be with someone, you will catch them at the right time.”

We had arrived at my place. I was getting off the car and ready to go home, but he said “wait, I need to catch up with you.” I hesitated and came back into the passenger seat. But he wasn’t in the car for some time. Then he finally came back into the car and told me there was an interesting temple nearby. I said, “no, I’m pregnant and I’m not going near weird vibes with my baby.”

So we were chatting but I have no idea what we chat about. He mentioned that when we were in the City of Gold, I also had a “buddy” who would take care of me too; it took me a while to figure out who it was and then I said, “oh that was my friend from middle school. We also caught up once this summer.” But in reality, I haven’t had any text conversation with Ian for at least two years, let alone meeting up to catch up.

Then it was hazy and I can’t remember much. Near the end of the dream, I mentioned that I am not career driving at all and I only work half of the days in a year. And he mentioned that he hated how his wife talked to him because whenever he was exhausted from work and just wanted to sleep, his wife would say “aww you can do it. Just stay up and do this and do that. You can do it!” He said that she would talk to him in a “Canadian” way and I said “that’s actually good for you. She’s giving you such a positive attitude.” He said “no, I just want to be able to sleep. I hate the way she talks to me.” I laughed and said, “she is definitely way more capable than you are. She’s a million times more capable than I am. She is totally what you have wished for!”

We laughed, and there was an unspoken understanding that we could not escape fate. We didn’t talk about my marriage at all, as if he had already known everything about my marriage. Then, I took his left hand and sat on his right lap (and this would never happen in real life because I am a 200lb elephant right now). I leaned my head on his chest and whispered, “I have missed you.” And he whispered back “I’ve missed you too.”

Then I got up and said, “well, there’s nothing we can do. Our kids are still so little and my second one isn’t even born yet.” I was also thinking to myself, “and my two kids love their dad”. He also echoed that there was nothing we could do. We held hands and walked for a bit. I saw myself in high-heeled boots and skinny red pants like how I used to dress in the City of Gold. It felt too realistic that I woke up.

Life is a mystery. You never know where your fate is going. I try my best to do what is right and what is the best for my kids. Deep down, I have always wished that I could be pampered like a little girl. In reality, I don’t get any pampering at all these days. There are no surprises, no gifts, no pickups, no carrying heavy bags for me. I feel sad about this but I don’t have time to feel sad about this. I have two babies to take care of, and I would give them whatever I can in this world, even if that means I would never get any pampering. When the kids are much older and able to take care of themselves, I’ll be much older too. Who would want to pamper me then? Angel may say sweet things, but that’s all he can do. He’s not physically capable of pampering me, let alone when we’re 20 years older.

Oh well, you just can’t escape fate.