Let’s start with statistics.

Angel had a physical exam and had a couple of follow ups this week. The doctors gave him an aspiration on a tiny lump in his thyroids and scheduled a colonoscopy for a month later. He’s been down about it and acts as if he really has cancers. I tried to help him think differently about this and he got angry at me. So I sent him the following email. I still feel that he really doesn’t get me and it’s exhausting for me to explain myself over the same thing repeatedly. I wish someone could feel me and understand me, but there’s no escape from fate.

*************** You say that you have a genetic disposition. Does anyone in the world have an answer to cancer? There are so many factors involved and there is no single factor that is solely at play. Do you know how those research papers are done? Have they eliminated all the dummy variables? You have your mom’s genes but as well your dad’s; you grew up differently from your mom and your diet is also different from hers. How can you conclude that since your mom had it, you’re likely to have it too? The biggest danger of relying on statistics is not knowing that while something is likely, it doesn’t mean it will happen to you. We’ve talked about this a million times but you still choose to fall into that simplistic, linear thinking of western medicine and science.

I’m giving you better, wiser reasons not to think negatively, and yet you just think I’ve been yelling at you. I yell because you are not listening to me, and you’ve forgotten all the wisdom I’ve told you in the past. I don’t know how else I can make you listen to me and remember everything I say.

I’m sad, so sad that I’m getting numb, and I don’t want to let my tears roll down because when you see them, you’d tell me that you get it now and you’d apologize but after some time you’d forget all about it and go into your old mentality again. Based on your linear thinking, I should be constantly worried that my two children would have severe scoliosis, thyroid cancer, prostate cancer, colon cancer, etc until I die. What kind of world is that? My kids deserve a mother who brings them hope and happiness and a worry-free life. Do you know such worries would turn into self-fulfilling prophecies? That’s how the universe works. Unfortunately that’s a concept you don’t understand because you have no faith. Buddhism is a way of life but it doesn’t give you faith in life. Faith is believing that there is a predestined path that leads you to what’s best for you, and I believe what’s best for me is definitely not my kids having predispositions to all those diseases in your family or mine; I believe I will keep them safe and healthy, and that’s my faith and their fate.

As you act as if you’re already ill, do you ever think about what the universe wants for you? For me? For our kids? Do you really believe that the universe wants you to get cancer young and go through all those sickening treatments and to leave your wife and kids uncared for? Do you believe this is the karma you deserve? Did you do something really evil some years ago and you think the universe would punish you and your family like this? This is what your behavior and paranoia have suggested the past couple of days. You choose to believe in incomprehensive science instead of my faith, my heart, my intuition, and my feelings. This is like Little O’s roseola in New York all over again. Your over-dependence on “other people’s” thoughts and statistics with very flawed assumptions leaves you so powerless. You just won’t listen to me.

I can’t give you a hug while I myself am already devastated. I’m shattered by how little you believe in yourself and how little you think you and your family deserve. It upsets me when you read because it takes your attention from your own feelings and other people’s feelings. You’re always in your head and what’s in your head is all other people’s info; you need to have faith, your heart and feelings in your head. If you don’t have these things in your head then of course you wouldn’t believe in yourself. 

Where does that leave us, your wife and two young children? You can choose to let ignorant statistics haunt you; I will keep my children safe and strong no matter what.