That kind of love doesn’t exist.

The fairy tale kind of love, the kind of romantic love with total acceptance, just doesn’t exist.

We just bought a brand new minivan; well, I bought it with cash and Angel will pay me back slowly. Angel doesn’t drive, can’t drive, and doesn’t know anything about cars. But I still bought the car anyway because our kids’ life has been so limited and traveling has been really inconvenient with COVID-19 without private transportation. However, I’m not an expert on cars; my two brothers on the other hand know cars extremely well. Therefore I relied on them a lot for the past month for my research, bargaining, and examination. When we finally got our car last Sunday, I treated the whole family for lunch. Angel had no intention to pick up the bill at all and I just picked it up and paid.

Last night, Angel’s inattentiveness led to an accident of our older son. He was fine but I freaked out and was pissed that Angel never listened to my advice for anything and these accidents happen. One thing led to another in our argument and I asked him why he didn’t pick up the bill for the lunch last Sunday. He quickly, intuitively responded, “I can take care of our family but I cannot take care of your whole family.”

This statement has traumatized me and I have realized no one in the world accepts me for who I am. Everyone looks down on me and my upbringing and my family. This statement is so condescending and hurtful and it simply reminds me of all the condescension Angel’s mom has given me and my family. They’re on the same boat and I’m on my own boat. I had been so naive that I actually believed that someone this world wouldn’t judge me and my background. That meal was only 100 bucks and he thinks picking up a bill of 100 bucks is equivalent to taking care of my whole family. For me, that meal was a celebration of me finally getting a car for my two boys; it was an appreciation for how much help my brothers had given me in the process. Before we got this car, my older brother would drive us to places so we could travel and our boys could have fun. My family have given us so much help with our older son while I’m pregnant because Angel is physically feeble and has back problems. And guess what? Angel takes all of these for granted and he thinks simply saying “thank you” would be enough. He and his family are just equally presumptuous, unappreciative, and stingy. They’re financially well-off though, but they’re fucking small-minded and take what other people give them for granted. It just disgusts me and makes me want to shut off.

Angel wonders how we can stay married if I can’t get het over this. I wonder how he has ever loved me if he has looked down on me and my background all this time. In the end, I’m just back to where I first started, although this time, I’ve given up on dreaming. No one in this world would accept me for who I am except for my babies. They are my love, my lovers, my forever, my life. I am fated to be here, and I don’t really think about being married or being divorced. When my kids are old enough and know enough, maybe they will decide for me. Americans believe that if one spouse doesn’t work out, you can divorce them and get another one; or at least you can divorce them and find true love again. It’s so fucking stupid. I believe everything is fated. I don’t really have a choice, and I really really don’t. Other men won’t fully accept me nor my background anyway; besides, I don’t want to marry a man who makes less money than I do or is less educated than I am, so that pretty much leaves me no choice at all. I never believe I have a choice in life; life is only one blessing from the universe after another.

I love you so so much my babies. Mommy has only one job for you—that is you stay safe and strong and healthy.