Unwell

I caught tonsillitis on Saturday. Actually my left tonsil had felt a bit itchy some time during the week but I never paid attention to it. Unfortunately, I worked 5 hours straight on Saturday and didn't take a nap and went to a bar with my students at night till 2:30 a.m. That was how everything got worse.

I hung out with Sean on Sunday. It was mostly me who planned everything. I asked him to go to the beach with me and he agreed. He didn't initiate plan any date for us. After the previous weekend, we both decided to be healthy with our next date. Hence I proposed the beach day idea.

We decided to meet at noon. It was rainy that day. But I continued to pray to the universe that the weather would be fine at the beach, just like the day when Eric took me to the beach before I left the City of Gold. Guess what, as the metro drove into the beach town, it stopped raining. It was not all that sunny and bright but the weather was fine. The universe heard me again.

We went to a nice cafe on the beach. On our way, he told me about some latest technology that MIT, Stanford and Havard are collaborating, which is a computer chip that can shut off people's emotions by switch and optimize human rationality and analytics. I find modern day economic structure very disturbing. People are trying to control everything in their life, for what? They hate their emotions so much, and they continue to numb themselves. Anyway, we already know how I cherish human feelings so I'm not going to write about my theory again.

He also told me about his ex girlfriends. He has three ex girlfriends in total but only had sex with two of them. He almost forgot about his girlfriend when we first brought it up on a date. She's a doctor's daughter and near the end of their six-month relationship, she became unreasonable. She would say nothing and just told him that she wanted to leave. He asked her why she would do things like that and how come everything was fine at the beginning of the relationship. She said because at the beginning, she didn't know him well so she was well-behaved. After knowing him better, she started to show her real self. She started dating another guy near the end of their relationship and broke up with him. I felt shocked by women like this because if a relationship is maturing, it has to be even more cherished and protected. I admit there were times I took Ivan for granted, but for most of the time, I felt secure in his arms and I would fight against anything and anyone for us. If I can find a relationship like that I will do my best to make it last forever.

His second girlfriend was a three-year relationship which ended because of long distance. She went abroad for school and got married and has kids now.

His ex-girlfriend was two years ago. It was a six-month relationship but she cheated on him with an on-and-off ex-boyfriend.

I believe I'm a much better woman than all three of them. I would give up my career for a man who loves me. I will never cheat. And I will do my best not to take him for granted. Even so, I still can't find someone who loves me.

After the beach, we went to the hot springs. We had a lurxious hotel room for 90 minutes where we could bath together. Of course we made out and did some stuff. But that was when my tonsillitis worsened. After the hot spring, I felt my left tonsil was swollen twice the size than before. We went to dinner together, but I felt kind of bad for not eating much. Perhaps I shouldn't have ordered anything. I told him that my throat was hurting so badly all of a sudden. He tried very hard to cheer me up, like telling me what I should do and what I shouldn't have done. But all in all it was his fault because I was wearing a low-cut dress for him that day and caught a cold because of my dress. ;-)

It felt nice holding hands with interlocked fingers in public. When we were together, I felt safe, as if he was devoted to me and I had nothing to be afraid of. Over the past couple of days, he texted me and we talked quite a lot. I couldn't go to work because of my tonsillitis. But today, I heard nothing from him at all. Doesn't he miss me at all?

The past couple of nights were miserable. I had fever and menstrual cramps on the first night and the second night was better. But I was sweating a lot using my sleep. I woke up in wet clothes. These nights scare me because I feel so alone. If I were married now, my husband would be right next to me and I would have nothing to be afraid of. But it just doesn't happen. I went through all the most difficult time and sickness all by myself, even when I thought I was dying, like being feverish for consecutive four days and not eating anything. Thinking about this sad truth makes me cry. I really want to be held by a man who loves me right now. 

Bizarrely, Michael texted me on Sunday night. I guess he had just finished his band practice. He said he was walking home slowly, thinking about me and feeling confused. I didn't reply to him. But today, he sent me another text asking how I was doing and if my health was OK. I felt surprised because if seemed like he heard I'm sick from someone who knew me. I told him I caught tonsillitis and haven't been to work for a couple of days. He briefly comforted me and didn't say anything else. If there was a man who could be with me right now, he must be the one. Unfortunately, there is none. Do I ask too much? Is it too much to ask someone who loves you to take care of you for a day or two? Or maybe it's just because no one really loves me...