Pouring rain

Three days, and counting.

I realized that I was the one who initiated our dates and the last few conversations, so I decided to lean back and see if Sean misses me enough to initiate these things, it's been three days and counting, he knows I'm sick. He didn't drop me a visit. No phone calls, just texts. Now I don't initiate any texting, and I haven't heard from him for three days. I'm giving up.

This feels so frustrating. He seemed to be a really nice, naive guy who doesn't have much experience with women and still lives with his parents at the age of 33. I thought he'd be as naive as I am. I was wrong. Nobody cares about me. Nobody loves me, I don't know how I managed to make every nice guy a jerk, I'm feeling so much pain.

I'm listening to Running Around in my Dreams by Tyrone Wells repeatedly. It was the first song that Michael sent me. He said everything he wanted to tell me was in the song. Today I looked at the gift wrappings and the two movie tickets on our first date on Valentine's Day. Winter's Tale. It was a dream come true. I thought a miracle really happened. How could he abuse me like that if I was the girl running around his dreams? He didn't treat his exes like that. Why would he treat me like that?

I'm feeling so much pain, loneliness. Dear X, where are you? If you do exist, how can you bear to watch me suffer from all this? There's so much pain in my left chest. I can't even make a man like me for more than a month. How am I going to have a happy ever after? And build a family with him, raise children with him, and take care of each other when we're old and grey?

I feel so angry, agitated. I want to scream, and maybe jump out of the window. I do not see any meaning to my life without love. There's a dark hole in my heart that just doesn't mend itself. I need a man who loves me with all his heart, and I'd do the same for him. It's impossible for one to be complete on their own. That's why everything in this world is paired. All of our organs are paired. Everyone should be paired.