Hard is just hard; there's no harder or less hard

I've been going through onsets of nervous breakdown since we broke up. I've been through an emotional turmoil that words cannot catch up. Sometimes I'm afraid that there won't be another guy who would just commit to me like that. Sometimes I want to apologize and get back together. Other times I keep reassuring myself that he's a rageaholic, i.e. my father. I will never tolerate being treated the way my father does to my mother. Verbal and physical abuse is out of the question, out of my life.

It wasn't our first fight. It might be the fourth or fifth, and I apologized for all the previous ones. Two days before our last night, I apologized for a big fight and we got more intimate than ever. That night he told me that, "wife, I have a small request. Do not submit to me. I can feel it when you're complying to what I want. I get angry if you don't, but I will still love you." I cried upon hearing that because I simply felt touched and loved. We almost had sex the next morning but it hurt so much that I cried so he didn't go all the way in.

On Saturday, I met up with him late at night after his work. Everything was sweet and happy for the first couple of hours, until he got cranky and started to criticize other teachers at our school and in the industry. He began to criticize a CFA teacher (who wasn't our competitor at all) for his care for his looks. He seemed to hate teachers who use personal charisma and looks to appeal students, but obviously the CFA teacher is highly intelligent as well. Then I started to defend for myself because I do care in part about how I look and defended for the teacher too. I said that he bringing girls to his band practice and had one night stands with them was also a use his own sex appeal. I asked him if he was proud of his past and he said yes. This was the part that irritated me. I had a pouty face, reminiscing when we were about to have sex, he told me how he took the virginity of his college girlfriend. It took them all night because it hurt her to badly and she kept crying until finally in the morning he was able to penetrate her. It was at a hotel. I felt crazy jealous to know all the details. He always got angry when I got jealous. He tried so hard to convince me, to win, to make me believe that I was wrong, but all I needed was a long warm hug, gentleness, and patience. So there, the fight started. He got so angry and told me to tell him that "I am the biggest jerk ever". I refused, because that was his second time telling me that. I realized he never apologized for his own behavior. I apologized, and I thought he knew what he did wrong too, but in fact he just thought he won. I was so infuriated and further shut down. Rage and hatred welled up.

At one point, I was scared and tired, and nodded as an acquiescence. I leaned forward to hug him but he pushed me away. He threw food we just bought on the ground. I stared at him with so much rage, as if I was staring at my father when he mistreated my mother verbally and physically. I gave up all my ego and pride and tried to love his anger and hold him while feeling so hurt. This was what he did to me. From that moment on I hated him. I still do hate him.

A couple of days ago, he texted me that it was how the song "Stay Together" by Mr. Big felt like. I agreed. He told me that he missed me and I said, "So do I, but we can't stay together." He said, "we can, when I convince you that you're wrong." Again, I felt agitated. After all this he was still trying to win. I told him exactly that I hated him the moment he pushed me away. He left the relationship first when he pushed me away. If we had a child who witnessed how he treated me that night, the child would hate him so much that he/she wanted to kill him and the child would hate me for giving birth to him/her with this man, so I decided to leave the relationship as well.

Loneliness is unbearable. I do fear that there's no one else in the world who would commit to me again. I thought Michael was a miracle, but it turned out to be a prank. What message is the universe trying to send me?