A little cat

So last night my insecurity caused me to say something stupid, something about Michael's penis size and how it ranked among all the penises I'd seen. He got angry, and almost left my apartment in the middle of the night. I apologized, but it wasn't good enough for me. He continued to argue. He fights dirty. His every word hurt, and still hurts. He said that I was just as mean as his ex-girlfriend. I cried like hell, for an hour, which made him even madder. He was hurt by me and I didn't comfort him and instead he had to comfort me. We hugged each other to sleep but both of us had nightmares of each other getting angry.

I woke up with so much stress. It was another rainy day. I watched the fog, the rain, having so much fear in me. I'm afraid of anger, and I don't even like my own anger. That's why I continue to suffer from depression. Ivan and I used to fight a lot, but he never hurt me with words, and we always made it up. But this time with Michael, the hurt stays in me. It's not gone yet. I'm withdrawing. This morning he talked about another sexual experience with another girl and I didn't even feel a thing. I even joked about it with him, because I stopped caring. I didn't want him as much as before.

This afternoon when I left my apartment for work, I saw a little black cat with white-sock fur running to the middle of the heavy-traffic street in front of my building. I screamed as soon as I saw it running so fast to the street and one second later, a scooter ran over it. It didn't die on the spot and I couldn't see it anywhere. It ran somewhere else and disappeared. I screamed even louder when the scooter ran over it. I almost cried on the spot in complete shock.

What pains me most is the thought that something must have terrified the cat. It completely lost it. It would infuriate me if it was a human being who did something mean to the cat. What led the cat there? Animals go crazy too, just like we people. Emotions are such a weird thing. Are they beneficial or malign to our survival? It seems like emotions, a lot of the time, make people and animals self-destruct. But what are we without emotions? Is evolution really working in favor of ourselves?

I wish I had one more second to stop the cat. It was running so fast. If I arrived there a second earlier, I would grab the cat and comfort it so it didn't kill itself, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Did someone abandon the cat? Did it lose its way home and finally lose its mind? Did someone abuse it?

Today I keep having this feeling/thought of moving to the countryside. Maybe somewhere on the beach or in the mountains. I want to have a simple life, maybe single, with some puppies. No more arguments, no more hurtful attacking words. Just a simple life filled with simple love. And maybe meet a simple guy, like Ivan, who doesn't have a long promiscuous history, doesn't complicate language use. We fight, I cry, he hugs me, and we're back to normal. The thing with last night was that I apologized to Michael for comparing his penis to other guys', but he never apologized for saying those hurtful things to me. When Ivan and I fought, we always apologized to each other. Right now, I'm the only one who's compromising and Michael didn't care for my hurt feelings.

I won the jack pot once and fate took it away from me. I'm such a fucked up person. Perhaps I belong with the solitude of prime numbers. Perhaps I am not meant to procreate or be with anyone. No one in this world will cherish my emotions, even though I do cherish them. I expected those men to cherish my emotions but none of them did. I'm a bad communicator and I cry so easily. When I said "I don't know", Michael got even angrier because he thought he had to deal with the problem that I caused. This is a terrible act. I want someone much more simple than he is.