Where are you?

I just want to scream with tears to the universe, "where are you?"

I watched the Indian movie Guzaarish tonight. I have always avoided Indian movies no matter how good they are because they remind me of Ivan. But my aunt kept recommending this one to me so I watched it. Of course I cried my eyes out again. All kinds of feelings emerged as I watched it.

First, the looks and voice of those actors reminded me of Ivan. Then I felt Ivan. I started to feel how he used to hug me to sleep with his one hand, how I could cry in his arms and fall asleep. He must be living happily ever after with a woman who looks like the actress in the movie. Ivan was the only reason why I didn't die after what happened to me four years ago. For the first time I actually understood what it felt like to know someone was always there for me. I haven't felt that way for such a long time, 4 years. The pain and loneliness are nothing less than a paralyzed person as in the movie. I feel like I am stuck in the jail of suffering. For most of the time the pain is beyond my will to survive.

Tell me you love me. Please hold me tight in your arms and never let anyone hurt me. Where are you?